For your 10th birthday, I got you a Malinois puppy!
Today is my birthday (gah! I’m 40. How is this possible?) and it is also the birthday I have assigned to Piper, who turns 10 today(!) and also the WooTWoo, who have been tormenting small creatures and humans alike for 7 years now.
I am 10 years old. All the frisbees are belong to me.
My friends and family threw me a wonderful birthday party on Friday night, and I got so many awesome presents that I have pretty much decided to turn 40 next year too, since this is clearly the milestone where you receive the biggest haul. I got the most awesome pair of Muck boots from my bestie, so my poor old feet will never be cold and wet again tromping around ye old Mud Farm. My sister got me two hours of tattoo work (yay artistic pain!) and my friend Angela printed and framed a picture of Tweed that made my cold black heart get a little weepy. My parents repaired my birthstone ring that I have been wearing for 30 odd years now, which broke last month, and got me a matching necklace as well as an otterbox case for my iPhone since I keep dropping it on cement surfaces at work, plus they had just returned from Mexico and brought me back a ton of Dia de los Muertos artwork, which is my favourite stuff (signs I will be single forever: I have 8 dogs in my house, and artwork of dead people hanging all over said home). I also received some wonderful books and beautiful trinkets, and The Sadist stole this weekend’s agility entry fee from the mail (nothing says friendship like a little federal mail fraud!) so Springaling’s debut was free!
And what a debut it was. I am super proud of my little nervous girlie. I was not at first convinced the trial would go well. First of all, I was late because of the aforementioned Malinois puppy (will get back to that in a minute) and had to get up, dressed, feed dogs and out the door in like under 20 minutes. We rushed into the venue rather later than was ideal and Spring took one look at the giant building full of strangers and strange barking dogs and pooped all over the entrance. I had no poopy bags on me so had to rummage in my purse and clean it up with a piece of scrap paper. Stellar start to the day.
As Spring needed to be measured by a judge (at a point in time that occurred 15 minutes earlier than I arrived), who was already walking the course, I dragged her into the master’s ring to politely ask said judge if she would pretty please measure my dog even though we were late, where Spring peed all over the course in terror. Happy Birthday to me – now every Masters level competitor hates me and my dog.
But Spring measured under 16″, thank doG, and when we got ourselves settled in we ran her first course of the day, a Starter’s Gambler. I set her up on the line, walked to my lead out point, turned around to release her (to gales of laughter) and found her sitting in the lap of the Scribe, staring at me with her big Fawn Eyes, as though I had set her up on a line for a firing squad.
Once I retrieved my little shivering bundle of fear from the lap of a stranger, she had a stellar Gamble run! As we began playing, she realized that this was the same thing we do in class every Thursday and you could see her starting to have fun. We (of course) did not get it on video as Auntie Fiona was running in the next ring, but she did the minis and the Gamble and got a Q and a first place! There’s my girl!
Her other two runs of the day were not clean, but I am super proud of her because you could actually see her confidence rising with each piece of equipment. In her Standard run the dreaded running contact bit us in the ass because we have not worked on turning off a dog walk so she did what she knows best … run really fast straight ahead to the next piece of equipment she saw in front of her, which happened to be a jump half away across the ring. Really she was supposed to turn into a tunnel under the dogwalk. But that was her only bobble in the whole run, and even with that off course she was still more than 30 seconds under time! And she wasn’t even running full speed yet!
Her Jumpers run was lovely, with just one refusal at a jump which I think was because she was momentarily distracted by the dogs in the adjoining ring. We did get that one on video. Take a look at my little girlie flying around the course!
Dexter … was Dexter. Well, he was LESS Dexter than in trials past, but retained enough Dexter to be recognizable. He went 0 for 3, but he mostly stayed on course and did not orbit any planets this time. His Advanced Gamblers was really lovely, but the last jump in the closing Gamble was just too difficult for him to find, though he tried really hard!
His Standard run started out beautifully and went to hell when he did not see the point in doing 6 weave poles, as only 12 will do apparently. He then hopped up on the table, immediately hopped off and lay down beside, on the ground, where dogs are supposed to lay down (he says firmly). And then he spectacularly and terrifyingly took down the entire Double Jump with his face and made the judge do a little dance of horror in the middle of the ring, so we excused ourselves from the rest of that run to make sure he wasn’t smashed to pieces. Fortunately, Dexter is mostly made of rubber cement and bounces back very quickly. His Jumpers run was nice except for a dropped bar (instead of 12 dropped bars, so he is getting better!) and even though we got no Qs, I am still pretty happy with his overall performance. In 4 or 5 more years, we should get a Q or two.
Or it could be that my glee over my dogs’ performances is nothing more than delirium from lack of sleep. Because on Thursday I brought home my birthday present to myself.On the 4oth year of Food Lady I’m an idiot who gave to me 8 weeks of Malinois puppy
I have always secretly hankered after a Malinois, but many things have stopped me from getting one, including, but not limited to: 1) The price tag (do you know how many border collies I could get for the cost of one Malinois?) 2) I don’t actually want anymore dogs right now, or for the foreseeable future, and 3) I’m a little bit askeered of them. I’m not totally convinced that a dog described as having “a lot of bite” is something I want to live with. I do, after all, already have TWooie, and I generally envision Malinois as being a terrifying cross between TWooie and Dexter.
So a Malinois puppy is not really in the cards for me any time soon. The universe, though, likes to f*ck with The Food Lady and on Thursday a dude walked into my shelter with a 7.5 week old Malinois under his arm and said “I need to surrender this.”
Long story short, the guy had bought the puppy three days earlier, realized he’d made a horrible, horrible mistake (should have been my first clue?) and the breeder would not apparently take the puppy back. He didn’t want to try and sell the puppy on craigslist or whatever and was hoping we’d be able to find the puppy a better situation.
The last thing I want to try and place from a shelter is a Malinois puppy, so I (FOOLISHLY) decided to transfer him out to my rescue and place him myself. This way I could satisfy my Malinois puppy craving, and also keep one more dog out of the shelter. So LIKE AN IDIOT I brought this devil spawn INTO MY HOME.
It terrorized my dogs about 5 seconds after being introduced to the mildest ones, biting Spring in the face and chasing poor Pfeifer down whilst snarling and growling. When I gave it a shove with my toe to get it off of poor Pfeifer (who was obeying the laws of Not Killing Puppies that well adjusted adult dogs adhere to) it turned its rage on my sneaker. In fact, the puppy was a total nightmare to my dogs until Tweed gave it the canine equivalent look of “are you f*cking kidding me?” and threw it across the room by its face.
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Tweed?
If you love me so much, why the eff did you bring that home?
I gave the puppy a pork bone to distract it from murdering my dogs and when I happened by a little later to give it a friendly scritch behind the ears it tried to take my hand off for going near its bone.
But the worst thing about the Malinois puppy is that does not have a volume control, while simultaneously being gifted with 5 times the sets of lungs of a normal dog. For two nights I slept in 45 minute increments only, as this is the maximum amount of time that it takes a Malinois puppy to reboot, apparently. And unlike normal puppies, who fear The Earthquake (aka hammering on the covered crate with your fists), the Malinois puppy just tried to eat through the crate to kill whatever was making that irritating noise whilst it was trying to wake the whole neighborhood.
8 weeks old and it climbed out of the Xpen while I was at my birthday dinner. When I got home there was a Malinois puppy laying atop a mound of stuffie toys, snarling, while 7 adult dogs huddled in the corner by the front door.
Just call me Cured Forever Of Malinois Puppy Lust.
Although … he is pretty cute.
I admitted defeat. I gave the puppy to a Malinois owning friend, who says she has not slept in years, and she’ll foster him until we find him a home. Probably not with someone who just read this entry though, I’m guessing.
But if you think a Malinois puppy is in your future, feel free to contact me! But please DON’T contact me to tell me that I should hand the puppy over to your rescue for placement, or suggest that I have the puppy because of nefarious circumstances, or to tell me that I am obligated to inform you who the breeder is and how I got the puppy, even though you don’t want it yourself, you’re just incredibly f*cking nosy, because I already got those emails from a wide assortment of insane Malinois fanciers. I don’t blame them though. Sleep deprivation does that to a person.
Yeah it’s cute. Do not let that fool you :)
There was not enough writing about my birthday in this post.