in advance for this. I couldn’t help myself.
*********************************************
Twas the week before Christmas
and all across the farm
the WooTWoo were bringing the
little critters harm
The moles, they were snuggled
safe in earth beds.
But no mole is safe
from the TWoo’s hungry head!
With his scary blue orb
like a marquee in the air
shining “Death To Moles …
“Death to moles EVERYWHERE”
He was frantically digging
to unearth tasty beasts
who were digging even faster
to avoid those big teeth!
TWoo raised his head and yelled
“Hey Tricky, Hey bro!
“Get yer ass over here
and help me out, yo!”
But Tricky was busy
decapitating bunnies.
The Food Lady laughed and laughed and laughed
but said “Hey, that’s not funny!
“Some of the blog readers
Get into a fury
When you eat all these animals
And I photograph the story!”
But Tricky ignored her;
He’d found something devine
Something more delicious, more scrumptious
than regular Lapin
Tricky was ecstatic!
He was up to his ears
in the gooey remains
of Santa’s reindeer!
“Flying beast from the North
The tastiest of treats!”
mused Tricky, as he rolled and he nibbled
And licked guts from his feet
“TWoo, you gotta try this!
It’s out of this world!
If only I too could fly,
I’d have caught the whole herd!”
With his belly a-jiggle
and his little legs a-pumpin’
TWooie dashed to the table
His heart was a-thumpin’
This was better than the chickens
Tastier than rats.
Way more delicious than fish heads.
It was worth getting fat!
And worth the wrath
Of Jolly Saint Nick?
Who wouldn’t be so jolly
When he discovered the quick
dispatch of his favourite reindeer!
The WooTwoo didn’t care
And they gorged on the bones
for as long as they dared
When there arose from the barn roof
such an enormous clatter
Seems Santa had returned
to see what was the matter
with his star player Dasher
who was splayed on the ground
with just one hoof, an antler
and his tail, scattered ‘round
The rest of the reindeer
was in WooTWoo’s belly
They were stuffed from the last helping
of reindeer foot jelly
Santa was furious!
The collies all fled
But The WooTWoo just watched
as Santa turned red
And then redder and redder
’til he nearly died
He didn’t – and TWoo was sad
because he’d never tried
eating a fat man
from the North Pole
Though he wondered – would it even
taste as good as a mole?
Santa stood glowering
on the Food Lady’s farm
He said “You’re very bad dogs!
“Do you realize the harm
“that you’ve done to my team
“of special reindeer?”
The WooTWoo just shrugged
Tricky ate the last ear
Santa picked up the WooTWoo
one under each arm
and said “that’s it, you’re in trouble
“you’re leaving this farm
“I’m taking you somewhere,
where there’s nothing to eat.
And you can think about whether
it was worth it, this treat.”
The WooTWoo gazed at Santa
With curious eyes
Woo said “Hey Santa
“Have you even tried
“eating reindeer? “
TWoo said “Yeah, it’s real good”
In unison they said
“To us, everything is food.”
“We can’t help the way doG made us
“We’re not sorry for what we’ve done.”
Santa released each fat furry dog
one by one
“In the spirit of Christmas”
He seriously said
“I forgive both of you,
Even though Dasher is dead.
“You can’t help it, you’re crazy.
You’re a couple of gits.”
From his big sack of presents
He pulled out a gift
Of two rare birds
And a long extinct cat
“Will you leave my reindeer alone?
If I give you that?”
Asked Santa, as he placed
This gift on the scene.
The WooTwoo, they nodded
Their guts-covered beans.
Santa, he smiled
And hopped into his sleigh
“Good Bye, silly WooTWoo,
It’s been a rough day!”
“But I forgive you for eating
one of my friends”
And he flew away
Counting reindeer heads
And there were just 6 at his sleigh
for while he was climbing back on it
The WooTWoo had eaten
Both Vixen and Comet.
And Santa exclaimed
As he drove out of the dell
“Damn you, WooTWoo
Damn you TO HELL!!”
Carol says
Naughty, naughty WooTwoo! Hee hee hee! Groan!
Jennifer Rose says
lol!! thats great :D
julie says
ZOMG, you’re effing hilarious!! :))
Karen says
Well that was just hilarious! I had been thinking of writing my own version of that, but you’ve set the bar pretty high:)
Merry Christmas to you Food Lady and all your four footed gang!
Dede says
I like how Wootie is getting a wet willy from the elf in the photo. ;-)
Shalimar says
OMG way to funny. I laughed inappropriately loud.
Cherrie J says
Bwahaha-aha…haa haa haa
Merry Christmas Food Lady. Thanks for the fun.
Liza Lundell says
Professor just came over to find out what I was laughing at. Amelia the huntress wants to come and live at your house. She’d like a little chicken on the hoof. And a mole. and a reindeer. and she could take the WooTwoo with one paw tied behind her back. and a mouthful of roadkill. Amelia does not share.
Andrea/Schnitzie says
HO HO HOLY CRAP!
You are sooooo going to Heyell for that one. HILARIOUS!!!!
Hahahahahahahahhohohohohohohohohoho!
Lori says
dying, now.
Adrienne says
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
Food chain and all that…
Alaska says
Methinks Santa is channeling a certain Food Lady there….
the happy haiku says
That is FANTASTIC!
Ryker says
I think that was suppose to be elfing hilarious!
Very entertaining, and I am staying far, far away from those two carnivores!
Ruth says
Woderful poem! Ha ha ha!
lisa says
wonderful!
Robin says
BwahHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Lauren says
GREAT story Food Lady!
The WooTwoo look absolutely adorable in that photo.
Merry Christmas to you and your fury friends!
Fletch says
OMFG that is too funny for words!!!!! LOVE the poem. LOVE IT!!!!
Laura in California says
Holy crap! Made me laugh waay too loudly at work.
Thank you FL!
riosmom says
Well done! Thanks for the laugh – and for not having accompanying photos. The mental pictures were bad enough. Merry Christmas, Food Lady! You have a lot of talent.
Connie Brannen says
Criminy, all the wailing and breastbeating for a little disgusting underwear munch on Dexter’s part. And now these horrible Woo’s are eating historically important reindeer and Food Lady waxes poetic. Dexter, I’ll send you my address if you decide to run away from home.
Petra Christensen says
How in the world do you come up with stuff like that??!?!?!?! Great laugh…
Petra Christensen
Parelli 2Star Junior Instructor
Parelli Central
Laurel says
Merry Christmas to the FL and critters!
Pamela says
Oh my! Does this count as one of those heroic epics? You know, like Beowulf!
clairesmum says
Merry Christmas to the Food Lady, and all of her four footed buddies! Hoping the New Year brings health and happiness to all of you.
Lavonne Trevino says
Merry Christmas to the Food Lady, and all of her four footed buddies! Hoping the New Year brings health and happiness to all of you.
Colleen D. says
“They were stuffed from the last helping
of reindeer foot jelly”
LMFAO!!!! That was great!!