Fifa

My Dogs Are Creepy

October 25, 2008 By The Food Lady 1 Comment

I’m not posing them for group pictures anymore. They freak me out. They’re all Children Of The Corn and shizzat.

I’m afeared!!

When I saw Piper coming at me through the viewfinder, I shrieked like a little girl and ran away. I’m sure all the onlookers at Bridgeman Park thought I was mentally challenged. I don’t care! It was, like, the last thing someone in a horror film would see before they were chopped (or chewed) to pieces by a smiling psychopath!

“Vut seemz to be ze problem? You appear … dis-turbed.”

Today we did a marathon hike at Bridgeman, with our friends Sandy, her adorable TDBCR adoptee Heidi, who is an itty bitty basenji X border collie (no kidding)
Heidi is SO cute. But she has a great big bossy boots for a teeny little dog. Remember this, it’ll be revisited later in the blog.

And they brought their foster guest, Cassie, who is available for adoption on our website.

Cassie doesn’t look much like what people think of when someone says “border collie” but she is all BC in personality – she is super keen, and super fun, and super smart and just an all around super puppy of about 9 months. She has a great temperament. You should probably adopt her.

Speaking of you … it never fails to amuse me when when “you” the stranger identify me as The Food Lady when I’m out in public. I mean, I know it’s my own fault for obsessively photodocumenting every walk and plastering it all over the internetz, but it still catches me off guard because in my head, I am still anonymous.

*Waves at today’s “You’re The Food Lady!” guy* Hai! Now you’re famous and I’m stalking you.

And hey, while I’m talking to strangers I came across in today’s travels … to the guy honking at me in his Mercedes on 16th Avenue today: Hai! The reason I didn’t go around the car in front of me that was making a left is because I could not fit my giant van between it, and the sidewalk. I really appreciate the “snakey” motions your plastic surgery model cum trophy wife was making with her hands to indicate how I could execute the go-around-the-car-in-front-of-me manouever – thanks for that! But while I could have rammed the little honda in front of me, or driven onto the sidewalk to get around her, I did think either of those options was a bit overly dramatic, just to allow you the freedom to resume travelling at 35km per hour in a 50km zone. I want you to know, though, that your incessant honking was music to my ears, and very nearly inspired me to exit my car and paint your lapels with the little ketchup packs in my glove comparment in an artistic fit if my own. You have no idea how close you were to feeling my tomatoey wrath!

“She’s ranting again. Everyone stay very still, and don’t upset her. Eventually she will run out of steam. Feel free to look exasperated while waiting it out though. Gawd knows I will.”

We arrived at the park a little early (which is how the scary Posed Creepy Dogs idea came to life) and I was randomly taking photos of passing dogs by bribing them with cookies.

Like this Cheseapeake Bay Retriever

Who felt I did not hand over the cookies fast enough, and was not shy about telling me as much.

And this Lab, who looks very sweet in his photo, but tried to eat my camera, and the pocket that held the blessed cookies. I’m really starting to rethink the Cookie Strategy.

This sweetie, who is a BC X Rottweiler, sat politely, posed cutely and waited patiently for her promised cookie. Good dog!

Tweed and Heidi were pretty impatient with all the stopping and photo taking.

Tweed wanted to be on his way.

Cassie too!

I bet they didn’t know that they’d meet a Dandie Dinmont Terrier whilst on the road though. I mean, I sure didn’t. I wasn’t even totally sure they actually existed in real life, just on the internetz. But then we saw this one, who is apparently the Champion Of Everything Plus Something Else Fancy He Just Won Last Week. I’m not a dog show person so I didn’t understand any of it, but he sure had really big eyes for a really small dog.
He was pretty cute.

As we ambled down the road, I was musing over what kind of Huff I’d like to storm off in, and decided that if at all possible, I think I’d like to storm off in a beat up old early 1970’s farmer style pickup truck Huff. But in order to do that, I think I would need a dog like …

this.

Everybody sing it with me now …

MAYBE TOMORROW, I’LL WANNA SETTLE DOWN.
UNTIL TOMORROW, I’LL JUST KEEP MOVIN’ ON.
UNTIL TOMORROW, THE WHOLE WORLD IS MY HOME….

I think she was a WolfDog, and she was super cool looking. And huge. 90 lbs of huge, to be exact.

90lbs of huge, however, is no match for 20lbs of Very Bossy Boots.

I told you!

“And don’t even THINK about bothering that poor mastiff either!”

After the last entry, someone asked me why Mr. Woo’s soccer ball, which is clearly labeled “Adidas” is called Fifa (tm). So if I may take you back in time, to the days of The Very First Fifa. Fifa The First was a soccer ball we found abandoned in an alley, and Woo tenderly adopted it. That soccer ball happened to say “FIFA” on it and so has every subsequent replacement ball been called Fifa (tm). And there have been a few, starting with the very sad loss of Fifa The First and the garish subpar replacement ball.

“And He who walks behind the rows did say; I will send outlanders amongst you… a man and a woman, and these outlanders will be unbelievers and profaners of the holy and the man will sorely test you. for he has great power, even greater than that of the blue man!”

AHHHHHH! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!

ParkParkParkParkPark

October 22, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

My nemesis – finding a Suitable Park nearby to play in!

We have found a small neighborhood park about two blocks away that is perfect for our early morning (pre-Animal Control Patrol) play, but as it’s not a dog park, I wouldn’t take my dogs there to run in the afternoons or anything. It’s perfect for pre-work romps though. Every morning we are joined by Connor the Cattle Dog, who shrieks like a banshee and usually gets the ball first.

After work, there’s just nowhere to go. Hole Digging Park has now been renamed POOPY PARK. I will spare you the gory details but let’s just say that Canada Geese + puddles + thirsty dogs = The Food Lady spending a lot of time scrubbing liquid poo off her brand new area rugs. So Poopy Park is OUT!

Yesterday we tried Monkey Tree Park again. There were lots of dogs there, which was a good sign. However, within 45 seconds of arriving Mr. Woo got pounced on by what was, without a doubt, the absolute *worst* behaved dog I have ever seen, owned by the most ineffectual woman I have ever had the displeasure of not meeting (for fear I would verbally slug her). Her dog invited Woo to play and then pinned all 25lbs of him down with her 60+ lb body and ripped out chunks of his hair. I had to haul the dog off him bodily as his screams were blissfully ignored. He was soaking wet everywhere when I freed him … and he was MAD!

The dog then stole Tweed’s ball and proceeded to play a long and complicated game of keep-away with it, which I (not the owner, mind) finally thwarted by pretending to have an invisible cookie.

I lay all my dogs down on the grass and pointedly stood very still, and after a good 4 minutes of calling the dog’s name over and over and over and over and over and over again, the woman finally began walking away and after eating the contents … wait for it … of our poopy bag (GAG) the dog finally, reluctantly, followed her owner away. Good grief! Older, timid ladies of the world … please, adopt small elderly dogs. Not large, gross, hard headed labshepherdpitmutt puppies!

Which left us with the second worst behaved dog in the world, the Malinois. For at least 10 minutes, and I’m not exaggerating, the Malinois trotted in a big neurotic circle with the clear intention of beating any of my dogs to the ball if I were stupid enough to throw it. I tried the lay-my-dogs-down hint again, and the owner just stood there, speaking softly to the Mal in a language I don’t understand. At first I thought he was incredibly obtuse, but after a while I realized he was just another owner whose dog has no recall command, and it wasn’t that he was ignoring his dog – rather, his dog was ignoring him. He could not call him, nor could he catch him.

People please – if your dog does not have some semblance of a recall, keep him on a leash until he does!

I finally stomped off in a huff and found a corner of the park where there were no ball stealing Malinois or poop eating mutts, but by then our outing had kinda been soured … I drove all the way to Queen Elizabeth Park for this?

So today, we went back to Doggie Death Park.

The super tall grasses are mostly gone. I don’t think they’ve been mowed, they have just died off as Autumn has progressed. So it’s not quite the poopy landmine it was the last time we were there, but still tall enough to get some advert-esque dogs-bounding-through-tall-grass shots.

So it was good for everyone. Piper and Mr. Woo got to play Fifa (tm):

and Tweed got to play with a regular ball (which we didn’t lose).

There weren’t too many other dogs there, although we did run into this extremely happy coffee table … errr, Lab.

He wanted to be friends with Wootie, but after Monkey Tree Park, Woo was skeptical:

He just wanted to play some ball

While Tweed kept watch

———————————-
The Fifa (tm) Faces of Woo:

Are you going to kick that?

Don’t look at Piper, look at me. I’m cuter, and oranger.

What do you mean by “the game is over, stop staring at me, we’re going home Mr. Woo,” exactly?
(comes right before BARKSCREAMBARKSCREAMBARKSCREAM)

If he wasn’t so cute, he might be considered a real bossy boots pain in the rear!

But you have to admit, he’s really cute.

Gorillas in the mist (?)

October 14, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Leapin’ logs! That’s not a gorilla, it’s Tweed!

On the weekend we drove out to MacDonald Beach and met up with Jen and Lu.

“No you didn’t. You never saw me, I was hiding. I am a highly skilled operative. Go away.”

But today, as promised, we went to Hole Digging Park to play some Fifa (tm)

Piper got carded for illegal moves. Please note those are her BACK legs you see there in front of her.

“Do you want me to beat her? With a big stick? Plz?”

“What? I didn’t do nuthin'”

As for Mr. Woo … Mr. Woo eats things he should not eat, which he finds in the park.

“Oh hai! I ate some stuff!”

And then he vomits.

“Ugh. Hai. I don’t feel so awesome.”

It looks something like this:
(best viewed large – he has some wicked tongue moves)

Tweed rejects this post.

In other news, I am employed again! Everyone say “phew.” Now I don’t have to sell Tweed!

We Are The People In Your Neighborhood

October 7, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

This week we are exploring the “local” dog parks to see which ones we like best. I say “local” because none of them are *really* within walking distance, the closest (and our least favourite / most likely to cause Woo to dig holes) being a 16 minute walk away (so says Google Maps). However, 16 minutes X 2 eats up a lot of the allotted 45 minute pre-work morning run, so I don’t really consider that “walking distance.”

I thought we would photo-document the off leash parks as we explored them. Except I didn’t think about doing that until this morning, and it also has been raining, so we’re going to fake like it’s our first time (who knows what that’s like? Ladies? Who’s with me here? Hello?)

Today’s visit was to the off-leash area on the corner of Oak and 37th. This is not really our neighborhood at all, and would take 38 minutes to walk to, allegedly. It only takes 6 minutes or so to drive though, so I tossed the beasts in the van and off we went.

On the way we made a pit stop at the park at 37th and Columbia, but it was not really a hit with the dogs. I have nicknamed it “Monkey Tree park.”

It’s a great big open field in Queen Elizabeth Park, but that’s really all it is … a big open field on a crest. The pooches said it was boring, and while the foliage was lovely:
It did not otherwise provide very many photo ops. And Tweed, who considers himself my artistic muse, looked downright blah.

So we moved onto the next park.

This park had a monster in it.

SCARY!

The park on Oak and 37th has the usual “off leash rules” sign planted and the edge of it and someone has used a Sharpie to write “Doggie Death Park” across the sign. If you had the sort of dog who, say, didn’t come when you called him, or chased squirrels with reckless abandon, or who thought The Food Lady’s Road Rules were “stupid” and your dog’s name was Mr. Woo … then this park could be quite dangerous. The only thing that separates it from Oak Street at rush hour (ie always) is some half assed shrubbery and trees. We stuck to the East, as far from traffic as possible, but I’m not convinced we’ll be spending a ton of time at this park.

The other mystery of the park is why it’s not been mowed. The grass is at least waist high. This makes poop scooping a kind of fecal safari, or what we have come to call “Mission Impossible.” We’ve only been to the park twice and I have lost two poops and a rubber Chuck-It (tm) ball already. It’s clear this park will be a land mine of poopies in the dark winter ahead, so I think it will be off limits until Spring.

Anyway, having already lost a Chuck It (tm) ball to the jungles of Oak and 37th, today we were forced to play Fifa (tm), it being the only toy we can’t really lose in tall grass.

Mr Woo wasn’t super happy about having to share his precious Fifa (tm) with his siblings, but it sure kicked his competitive gear up a notch or two, and he finally got some exercise. Which is good, because he is starting to resemble an orange Fifa (tm)!

BARKSCREAM!BARKSCREAM!BARKSCREAM!

Tweed, OTOH, is not a fan of Fifa (tm) and couldn’t quite believe I was making him play with it.

“Saaaay what?”

He’s a pretty good sport though, so he soon joined in the fun. The rules are:

Never kick Fifa (tm) toward Tweed.
Never expect Tweed to chase Fifa (tm).

“Oh hai! No kicking stupid ball at me. Kthnxbai!”

Tweed will go get it if Mr. Woo has abandoned on it in search of something vile to roll in. That’s his version of playing-with-Fifa (tm). I think he secretly likes it, myself.

Piper, OTOH, wants it all the time. She will steal it from the other dogs if she has to, or intimidate them into dropping it. She Doesn’t Play Well With Others which is why we usually all each have our own toy.

“Throw it. Kick it. Do something with it.”

And then once she has it, she is not inclined to give it up.

MINE!

It’s hard work, being such a greedy witch.

So this park on Oak and 37th has its pluses and minuses both. On the plus side:

It’s full of little hidden treasures:

It has some great photo ops:

But for the winter, it’s just too overgrown, too dark (no lights!) and too close to a busy thoroughfare. I think if we played there regularly, I’d be one less dog over the strata limit in this building in no time! And with my luck, I’d step on every stray and lost poop in the whole park.

In our next entry, we will explore what is possibly the city’s most pathetic dog “park,” the one that is a scant 16 minute walk from my house and which, oddly, causes Woo to dig holes furiously.

Until then, keep being beautiful, my friends.

PS – I’m looking for a job, since I just lost mine. If you have any leads, feel free to drop me an email!

The Dog Days Of Summer

September 16, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Wikipedia describes the Dog Days Of Summer as the hottest, mostly sultry days of summer. It goes on to say that in the Northern Hemisphere, this occurs between July and early September. We’re in mid to end September now, and while we aren’t having the hottest, or most sultry days, these bright and warm almost-Fall days are what I think of as the Dog Days. The sun is still here, but we know it won’t be for long – too soon, the rains will come and we won’t see nice weather again until Spring next year. So we make a point of hiking and beaching and getting out as much as we can before we no longer have the chance.

The weather channel keeps predicting a dire change to cold and rain in the next 48 hours. Maybe the dogs know it’s coming, because today at the beach they gave us a little taste of everything, sort of a montage of summer ’08.

We had, of course, Big Air … or sideways air anyway.

(Big Air was so big he almost bounced out of the frame)

GET BACK IN THE SHOT, WOO!

We had some Frisbee Fail:

and even Frisbee Hat Fail:

Mr. Woo and Piper even re-enacted the Classic Mad Teeth ™ series.

They haven’t done this for a while!

Fifa Mouth made an appearance:

So did Keener Face.

And the weird shaking faces dog came out to play

And Sport was Sport.

Speaking of Sport; you all know he is Tweed’s little protege … he is now totally on-board with the Kill The Food Lady program.

First, I lost him at the beach. Sort of. There are three paths through the shrubbery to get to the beach from the grass (frisbee) area. Our usual routine is to play on the grass for a bit, then the dogs go tearing down one of the paths to the beach and wait for the slowpoke Food Lady to show, then we play swimming games, then back to the grass before heading to the parking lot. Sport goes where everyone else goes, and this time they took path #2. I strolled at my usual dim witted two legged human pace down path #1.

As I made my way down path #1, the dogs came racing back up path #2, made a sharp right and roared past me down path #1. Except Sport. He’s slower – especially uphill – and he got left alone at the top of path #2. Couldn’t see any of us, since we were now halfway down path #1, and I guess he figured we had gone back to the car. So that’s where he went.

*Public Service Announcement* – It’s hard to run in rubber gumboots.

So there’s me, screaming “SPORT SPORT” because I can see him making his way to the van, but he’s kinda deaf and he doesn’t hear me. And he is *not* street smart, so I know I need to get him before he gets to the busy parking lot, but it’s a really long way and for mystery reasons, I’m dressed like a frickin’ whaler.

Anyway, I finally caught him just as he was stepping off the curb into the parking lot, and nearly had a heart attack in the process. I need to train one of the other dogs to Go Get Sport!!

Funny Tweed Photo Interlude

After our beach session, we went home, and Sport tried to kill me a second time.

As I waited for Mr. Bones to make his painfully slow way up the back stairs of my building, first he stumbled, then his foot disappeared, and then ALL of Sport disappeared!

Where Sport vanished:

He slipped through the railing just as I lunged for him (and missed) and plummeted the 10 foot drop to the cement floor below. I.Thought.I.Was.Going.To.DIE. I went flying down the stairs where he was in a heap on the floor, and gathered him up in my arms. He looked a little surprised, but no worse for wear.

I cannot say the same for me. I’m pretty sure my heart actually stopped beating for a minute there. I mean, it’s not like he has any body fat to prevent all his old bone from shattering into a million pieces! But he didn’t seem to be hurt at all, and indeed, this morning was chasing Tweed at the park like nothing had happened. At least I think that’s what happened this morning. I was awake pretty constantly from the NIGHTMARES his fall gave me, and was pretty tired for morning walkies.

GAH!

On the weekend, the organization I work for threw a party for our volunteers at Trout Lake Dog Park. Miss Piper was her super star self, playing soccer with the kids for hours, and lots of other dogs from our organization came by. My favourite photo from the event has to be Sarah the Catahoula, who either really wanted a piece of cake, or was feeling a little anxious:
ha ha!

Sarah’s mum takes Sarah to work with her several days a week and cycles from West Vancouver to downtown Vancouver (trust me, it’s far … and it’s full of hills) with Sarah in a trailer. Sarah’s mum Melissa is about 2 feet tall and 12 lbs, the cutest pixie lady ever, and has like 40 kids. I have no idea how she does it. Suddenly running in gumboots doesn’t seem like such a big achievement anymore!

Speaking of cycling – blog readers who cycle, tell me about your wet weather / snow gear. What do you wear? I am totally unprepared as most of last winter I (*hangs head*) drove to work.

Also, I have made the painful decision to sell my Bianchi Cyclocross bike as it’s just that much too big for me. I should never have bought it – it would appreciate a rider in the 5’7″-5’9″ range and is great for commuting. It’s going to waste here at casa de Food Lady. Anyone interested?

Another New Addition

August 22, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Meet Alfie

Alfie is about 13 years old and like many of my favourite things, came to my attention on Cragislist. Alfie was ‘surrendered’ to a fellow border collie rescuer in Washington on my behalf by the former owner and Heather kindly brought Alfie part way to meet me.

Going over the border was, again, a nightmare. Another hour in immigration only to get a sympathetic border guard who told me that it was “very stupid” to detain me for this. This time, I *MADE* him search my vehicle for photographic equipment (none), in exchange for him putting what amounts to “this is really stupid” on my file, with the intent that in the future I will not be flagged when attempting to visit the USA. Yeesh!

[Borg Bitch = 1. Snoozefest ’08 = 0. ]

The not-so-new addition, Sporticus, continues to defy death. Every day we go to the dog beach or the dog park and Sport runs and runs and runs and runs – the same dog who could only get as far as the beach and then lie down!! The other day we even tried swimming. Sport would like you to know that he’s sorry he let Canada down, and won’t be winning any swimming medals any time soon, but he certainly gave it a shot.

Aside from a new limp in the front, and hoarding the most persistent tapeworm I have ever encountered, he is doing very well.

He’s always in the middle of whatever’s going on:

Get of the shot Sport!!

————–

Mr. Woo and Piper’s tribute to the 98 Olympic Games:

Synchronized Fifaing.

——————

Last weekend the Brady Bunch had a family reunion. I unfortunately could not attend, given that it was in my Nemesis City (ie Washington) and I had too much going on that weekend. But I did get photos! These little monsters are all growed up!! Holy crow, hard to believe they are almost a year old.

Marsha is now Sophie

Mike is now Seamus

Jan is now Jazzy

Cindy is now Loki

And Bobby is now McGee

Apparently Mona (Willow) and Cousin Oliver (Mitch) could not make it to the reunion. Cindy’s adopters don’t keep in touch, so we don’t know how she is doing.