Whew. Good work, America!!
Yes, this morning I had the lovely experience of being denied entry into our neighbour’s country to the South. And you want to know why?
Because I am stealing American jobs.
That’s right, ladies and gentlemen … by making a day trip to Seattle to photograph a rescue mastiff and an elderly border collie at the behest of one of its citizens, I am putting your entire economy at risk. I am a thief, a roustabout, a no-good dirty low down Canadian criminal undermining the success and vitality of the US staffed workforce.
“That,” I told the woman at Customs, “is the stupidest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.”
This seemed to offend the gratuitously puffed up borderwoman, under her mop of bleach blond hair and ‘my life is hollow and I’m dead inside’ pallor. And she actually responded with: “Is not.”
For real? I didn’t realize Border Crossing was staffed by child labour. (“Is too. Neener neener.”)
I reiterated that it was extremely idiotic, and she replied that me going to the US to take photographs for money was “like us Americans coming to Canada to mop your floors.”
At this point, Food Lady was quite cranky. Sport had woken her up at both 3 AND 4AM to request some ‘outside’ time, and she got up for real at 5AM to leave for the border by 6AM, only to be delayed at Customs for an hour by a trio of idiots – the bald one, the extra dumb one and of course, the bleachie blonde with the stick up her ample bottom. Food Lady’s patience, dear audience, had worn quite thin, and so her reply to this woman’s rude comparison of her photographic arts to an exercise in janitorialism was very short and sweet.
“Why don’t you,” suggested Food Lady, “get bent.”
At this point, Food Lady was fingerprinted, photographed and sent back home to Canada.
Before I left, I told Big Bum Blondie that I thought her country was staffed by idiots, and it was no wonder one of its citizens had to go outside the country and hire a Canadian. By now, my lack of deference to the Scary Border People was starting to really cheeze her off because she said to me, by way of parting:
“You’re the one who wanted to come to America!” and “We have our own photographers!” I think only a massive quantity of self restraint prevented her from yelling “So there!” as the closer.
Having done my civic duty of making sure that the war of Canadian Condescension Vs American Arrogance continues as it should, let me say that if you are looking for a talented K9 Photographer in the Seattle area please consider hiring Erin Vey who is crazy talented, and not trying to steal anything from anyone.
Not like me. Damn insidious job stealing Canadians.