(That’s the short version.
The long version goes: GODDAMN COYOTE MAKING FOOD LADY MAKE UGLY FACE! But first)
*waves* Oh hai! Food Lady has been taking Santa and Bumble photos like a damn fool the past few weeks and didn’t want to pick up a camera or edit any photo ever again for a little while there. I had the sleep deprivation too, from trying to get the photos all out in a timely fashion. We did photos for SAINTS and TDBCR and for SARC (where I work) and while the photo sessions themselves are SUPER fun, now every time I see the Bumble suit in the back of my van, I give it the finger. That probably looks weird in parking lots.
They turned out great though.
Next year I would like to try something a little different, as we’ve been doing to the Christmas-Character+Photoshopped-background thing for several years now. I’d like to try something “artier” without a character in the shot, with a holiday themed background and some elegant props.
I also have the Winter blahs a little bit – dark when we get up, dark when I get home, forget what my dogs look like in the daylight and boring as f*ck standing in the cold, raining dark throwing the ball for an hour. Or at least it WAS boring until the resident chicken eating coyote, you know, shot out of the bushes at the back of the lower pasture and tried to eat Ender.
Jesuschristonacracker, did it scare the shit out of both of us. Damn thing grabbed him by the Hurtta coat and tried to run off with him, but Ender is all long and pointy legs and he can spin ’em around like a windmill when he needs to (and when he doesn’t need to as well – STOP KICKING ME IN THE FACE ENDER!) and he started yodeling and sproinging around like Kicky The Happy Deer which probably confused the coyote, who likely thought he’d gotten ahold of some carrion (ie a skeleton).
Confused him long enough for Super TWoo to save the day. The little butterball shot over faster than you would believe, pile drived the coyote in the ribs and proceeded to do his damnedest to kick tens kinds of holy hell out of the yote.
SUPER TWOO TO THE RESCUE!
TWooie has been wanting to take down a coyote since the dawn of time and he was so excited. The coyote dropped Ender and took off, with chubby little Aussies and two VERY amped up terriers in hot pursuit. The border collies – of course – never took their eyes off the dumbball. As far as they are concerned, if they can’t retrieve it, it’s none of their business.
The four terrors came back all full of themselves, and TWooie was still super angry, stalking around with his chest puffed out and making these HUFFing sounds. Ender was fine, just a lot of saliva on his coat (and you mock me for dressing up my little dogs!), and lots of whimpering and yodeling in my arms (where he leapt as soon as he was coyote-free) but we all went inside anyway, cuz I was freaked right out. It all happened so fast!
So that sucked.
So naturally two days later, it got much worse. We were out again playing ball, though I was sticking closer to the house than the lower pasture. I felt reasonably confident the coyote wouldn’t try again, having been run off by the Four Dogs of the Apocalypse.
I was, of course, wrong.
Although I was keeping the littles close by with the magic of a pocket full of cookies, Ender wandered part way down into the lower pasture and then all of a sudden he leapt straight in the air and started yodeling frantically. The Usual Suspects took off after something I never saw and this time the Littles – Ender included – went after them. I started screaming for the little dogs, because everyone was disappearing into the scrub at the back for the property and I could only envision never seeing the tiny dogs ever again, and miraculously they all came back … and I was gathering up little dogs like a 10 year old at a pinata party when suddenly I heard Spring screaming and screaming from somewhere in the dark.
I was screaming back like I was screeching for the Olympic Gold; too scared to put down the Littles to crash blindly through the bushes to save her, too far from the house to throw them safely inside and go find my girl. The most horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, heart sickening, I’m-dying, 2 minutes of my life.
I started running for the house with an armload of small writhing canines, dropping them and scooping them up again like I was looting a store in a riot and fleeing from the riot police, when Spring came crashing into the back of my legs and trying to climb up my body. We all threw ourselves into the house, most of us crying, and I grabbed my terrier and checked her for all her parts. Which she had, except for some F*CKING HOLES IN HER THROAT!
I think startling Ender was the decoy move by the coyote and he then took off and lay in wait for the other dogs to chase him, and he grabbed her (much more satisfying meal than a skeletor) by the throat. I don’t know if she fought him off herself, or if her friends helped, but thank doG she got away. The punctures were not bleeding, but she had blood all over her feet and legs, so I hope she got him good.
To add insult to injury, about three days after that the coyote broke into my hen house and ate all my remaining chickens. ALL OF THEM. I am now chicken-less, for the first time in years :( And no point in getting more, since I really don’t want to feed the bastard coyote.
We’ve been running up and down the dead end road instead of playing ball in the dark, but a massive windstorm on Thursday night blew a couple of giant trees across it, and now we have nowhere to go for exercise.
AND I had my nails done today and she made them pointier than I like them. EVERYTHING SUCKS!!!
So … yeah. It’s been that kind of month so far. We obviously are not playing ball on the property in the dark any more, and I have these camo-clad fellows creeping all over the property with big guns trying to find the asshole coyote and kill them.
(they do not look like this. Sadly.)
I would like a do-over on December please.
What’s that? Did I hear something?
A coyote? Can I eat it?
Are you going to pick me up and start screaming again?
ARE YOU GOING TO THROW A BALL AGAIN ANY TIME SOON?
Today I went to Wholesale Sports (way to unleash my inner SHOOT ALL THE THINGS goddess, btw) and bought a bear banger in case I see the bugger again.
Anyone had success scaring off coyotes with one of these? And not, you know, have the cops called on you? Or scared the shit out of Dexter?
Bah humbug. Seriously.
Liz says
ummm…glad everyone is safe from Ugly Coyote, can only recommend next FF (foster fail) be a wolf dog cross! And Merry Christmas to you and your amazing crew!
Adrienne says
Holy shiy
Adrienne says
Holy shit. I would have been bawling, that is so scary!!
I’m not foe gratuitous hunting. But the coyote needs to GO. Can they be live trapped and release elsewhere or would they just come back?
Katharine Swan says
OH MY DOG that’s scary! I’m so glad Ender is okay and Spring is mostly okay. I would have cried if something worse had happened to one of your dogs.
Seriously, though, you are lucky. A few years ago someone was walking a little dog in a suburban park here in Denver, and a coyote shot out of the bushes and made off with the dog. Game over. Poor thing didn’t have 10 friends to chase the ‘yote off. :(
sp says
terrifying! unfortunately, i have no practical advice to offer – no asshole coyotes out in my part of queens trying to eat my ‘terriers’ although we do have the menace of santacon every year…
Crystal says
Maybe time to invite one of those people up from Oklahoma who have packs of greyhounds specifically for coyote hunting. I’d keep the littles in while the greyhounds were there, though, or you might end up with the same result as if you didn’t invite the coyote hunting greyhounds up…
LY says
OMG not Spring!!! She’s my fave. How are the coyotes getting to the chickens? Over the fence? Under?
Lonneke says
How horrible! I’m glad you are all ok.
suzanne says
Even in a terrible gawd awful life threatening situation, you manage to crack me the f*ck up!
Judy says
how freakin’ scary! It’s amazing the dogs survived both attacks in mostly one piece. Coyotes suck!!!!
Rida says
I’m just glad everyone is semi-okay, and that the physical injuries will heal. I hope the psychological ones will, too.
No suggestions for you, but I hope those guys in camo find the sucker. That’s some scary shit.
Ruth says
Not a wolf-cross. A Livestock Guardian Dog. Where you live I’ll bet there are folks around with them. They’re probably big white fluffy Pyrs, Maremmas, or crosses, and you probably mistook them for big sheep in the pasture. You might even find someone with a working young adult dog they’d lease you for a few months if you check around (though I’d recommend an Anatolian or Kuvasz if you can find them, they’re better able to take on a ‘yote head on). Depending on the dog he’d probably be perfectly happy living in the empty chicken coop too, so you wouldn’t even need house space. Just make sure, if you do borrow such a dog, that he’s really a working dog. Not just a Pyr from the “guy down the road”….
I’m very glad everyone’s ok!
suzanne says
Kuvasz would be my first choice as well. whereas all the livestock guarding dogs are utterly fearless, the Kuvasz is the smartest of all of them when it comes to threat assessment
suzanne says
PS both Kuvasz and Pyrs have breed specific rescues… I have first hand knowledge of this because I am about to move to the boonies and am looking for one of either breed
Heidi says
Despite all that terror you manage to write about it with such detail and description and humor! You ROCK!
Fallah says
A livestock guardian would be the right choice except Food Lady is so accustomed to small dogs. A Pyr or Kuvasz would look like a sofa compared to the rest of her pack. It would be like bringing home The Hulk.
So scary, I’m glad Spring and Ender are okay. I was laughing at your description of Twoo chasing down the coyote and huffing.
Kate D. says
soooo glad you and the dogs are somewhat okay, that coyote is nasty hungry and means business, way to go Super Twoo and good that you got the camo guys in… get rid of it, end of…. thank you for sharing, good hunting, stay positive and safe.
Liza says
So glad you all survived! Twoo, you ROCK! Hope the camo guys get him. I can’t believe, but I’ve seen him, there’s a coyote living in our incredibly over-built suburb! They’re everywhere!
Deb says
Twooie is my hero! Finally all that agression is being used for good instead of evil! Very scary time and just thankful things weren’t worse and the hero was able to come to the rescue!!
Janice in GA says
Oh my dog, that’s freaking TERRIFYING. I’m so glad everyone is (mostly) ok. Stupid coyote, go away.
Best wishes to you and all your pack! And props to big, scary Twooie!
susan says
Holy Crap! Coyotes have become a real problem in my area, too. I limit the area that the dogs can run freely in, especially now that I have adopted a bite-sized morsel. I will have to look into a bear banger. I did, however, go get a box of ammo for my shotgun. If I have to do damage, I want to do major damage. Geez. Hope Spring is okay.
Lauren Miller says
Omg! I am so glad that Spring and Ender are okay!! That must have been terrifying! My dogs got into a fence fight with a coyote at my inlaw’s house once and that was scary! I can’t imagine one getting a hold of one of my dogs! I hope Spring’s neck heals okay and that things get more cheery for you!! Yikes.
minabey says
OMG this is the stuff of nightmares. I’m so so glad no one was really hurt (RIP chickens). I kind of feeling sorry for the coyote a little bit. Nature sucks. But OMG Twooie! It’s prolly his best Christmas evarr.
suzanne says
OMG – How terrifying! Not pointy fingernails!! Oh NOoooooooo!!
peggy says
What a horrifying story! I am so glad the pups got away, and so, so sorry the chickens didn’t Friggin coyotes.
Laura in California says
Wow, I’m so sorry about your chickens. Maybe not getting more will get the coyotes to move on elsewhere in search of dinner. Relieved that pups will be ok, what a scare for all of you!
Pat in Edmdonton says
problem with coyotes is if you trap them or kill them there is always another one to take its place, so best thing is to teach it that coming onto you property is not the wisest thing to do.
I sure hope all of your pooches are doing okay and that Spring is recovering for her ordeal, poor dog.
Coyotes here are everywhere, but i have an old Border Collie that would love nothing better than to wrap his mouth around its neck, lol.
Merry Christmas to you and your clan!!!