Ugh. You ever have those mornings where you wake up and want to slap the happy Good Morning! grin off of every one of your damn tail wagging dogs? I woke up like that today. They’re all bouncing around yelling “It’s Saturday! It’s light outside! Let’s go for a walk!” and I’m all surly, hair akimbo, snarling “What the f*ck are you so happy about, you stupid shits?” I apparently forgot to latch Winter’s crate last night so he was leaping on and off the bed with inordinate enthusiasm and the only reason I got up was because my fantasy of giving him a good swift kick when he was in mid flight, and imagining him crashing through the bedroom wall and then the exterior house wall, and then bouncing and rolling for like a mile through the pasture on every rock and sharp thing out there from the force of my anti-morning rage, was becoming a little too satisfying.
Then whilst I am trudging along the back of the property with a scowl on my face so serious it’s actually giving me a headache, the stupid mutts take off after Imaginary Creature and the bastards actually swim the ditch and are racing through the blueberry fields, all having simultaneously gone deaf. I finally convince them all to come back by using my Come To Jesus Voice and we get up to where the property meets the public dykes and for the first time in as long as I can remember, we encounter Another Dog. Fortunately I manage to football tackle TWooie and pin him in the mud, but the rest of them go flying down the dyke to jump all over the dog’s owner and bark and yodel (ENDER) ferociously at the dog itself, some big houndy looking thing who totally takes it in stride. On a normal day, I would just continue laying on top of TWooie, apologize to the dog owner and make a joke.
But I’m GROUCHY today so I holler at my dogs to F*CK OFF AND LEAVE IT and of course every single one of them forgets they ever learned anything, ever, and continue to smear mud and coyote poop and rabbit guts or whatever the hell else is on their feet all over the lady and bark in her dog’s face. I finally haul TWooie to his feet and stomp back in the direction of our property (hunched over like Quasimodo because TWooie is short and I’ve got him by the collar, because OF COURSE I neglected to bring the Emergency Bad Dog Needs A Lesson Leash), the rest of the pack sort of meandering in my direction, reluctant to leave their new best friends, and continuing to ignore me swearing and yelling at them. I get about 50 feet down the path on my property when the lady appears with her dog, striding right at me. And because today I am the Biggest Asshole in the Whole Entire Universe, I actually said to her:
“THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.”
(WTF is wrong with me? Who SAYS that??)
She blinks at me for a moment and says “I’m just trying to help.” And I turn into SATAN and reply “You keep coming is not helping.” Which is true, in all fairness, because if she had stopped at the property line and turned back, my dogs would have eventually left her alone and come back to me. But because today is Food Lady Super Bitch day, it comes out all snarly and she throws up her hands and turns and walks away.
I’m such a jerk. Really, I need one of those medi-alert bracelets that says “Requires Strong Coffee, STAT” to absolve me of my assholiness. So if you’re reading this and you know the lady, or you ARE the lady – gawd, I’m sorry for being such a douche this morning.
Bah. Stupid today. I can’t believe I shit all over that poor woman.
Kind of like this heron is shitting all over everything.
Wouldn’t that have been a pretty photo without the truckload of poop shooting out of its ass like an AIM-9 Sidewinder? It’s so tack clear, in focus, nicely blurred background…
Tack clear. IN FOCUS. WTF, how did I manage that with my infamous limpdick F4 with the dying motor?
I didn’t. I took it with my brand new F2.8 70-200mm USM ii.
I took these at about 4PM yesterday, shortly before it started getting dark, with only a hit of sunshine in the sky because it was mostly cloudy. And they were in focus!
I was shooting in MANUAL, adjusting exposure and metering on the fly!
From across the pasture!
My dogs are beautiful through the lens again! I can see their EYES!
Addy’s not even funny looking in this photo!
I don’t even hate Ender in this one!
It’s like discovering photography all over again. It’s amazing.
It all came to be when a blog reader – whom I will not “out” because I didn’t ask this person if I could or not – contacted me and said they’d had some good fortune this year and after reading about how all my saved pennies for a new lens would be going to the Wootie’s doG Damned Knee fund wanted to do something nice, so bought me the lens I could not afford. It is one of the single most amazing things that has ever happened to me, and I am beyond humbled and grateful. I still kind of can’t believe it, even when it’s in my hot little hands and I’m shooting with it.
Sometimes the people in the universe are magical. Let us all give thanks for that, just for a moment.
There is no way I can ever repay this person for their amazing generosity, but I am a big believer in putting kindness back out into the ether, so as my way of paying it forward (and also atoning for being a giant asshole to the random dog owner this morning) I am going to offer a free photo shoot to the first THREE dog owning readers (local only – ie the Lower Mainland) who contact me, who have dogs over 10 years of age. Because everyone with an old dog deserves to have nice photos of their aging best friend, but aging best friends can be expensive best friends, so paying for photo shoots can be tough to justify. So if you have a senior dog, and you’re in the Lower Mainland, and you are one of the first three people to contact me, I will photograph your dog(s) for free sometime in the next couple of months.
Also, I’ll give you Ender!
Now, if someone could just get Wootie away from his Guard TWooie, we’ll get to work fixing that knee.
I was only wincing sympathetically (I too have been Grouchy Asshole Woman in the past, and spent so much time wishing I could go back and redo that), until I got to the heron picture, and then I laughed so hard I think I broke a sinus. Hooray on the new lens, and may the weekend get better.
Aw darn! In the States and oldest dog is nine :( Good to see a post though!
We’ve all been Asshole Bitch Queen at least once in our lives over dog stuff. I’m really angry at myself and I want everyone to go away when my dogs make me look bad by misbehaving. so I turn into Asshole Bitch Queen to make them go away.
I seriously “LOL’d” at this post. Sorry for the crap day but yeah about the camera lens!! Wishing my 12 year old and I lived near you!
Twooie looks fierce! So happy to hear about your new lens. Such a wonderfully generous gift, not just to you but for the rest of us who so enjoy your photos. I wish that we weren’t so far away because I would love to have you photograph or two beasts.
I feel so bad for you as I can totally relate to you in this situation and how you’re feeling (judging by your post). We all have THOSE days/moments, we are all only human and none of us are perfect. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much (maybe just a little, HA, kidding!). On another note, wow – that was a fantastic gift that other person gave you! Hearing stories like that renews my faith in the good that is out there. :0)
oh Food Lady we would LOVE to have a photoshop with our 11 yr old Cocka-something named Buddy. I have been a fan of your work for ages and yes we live in South Surrey/White Rock.
Dede in PA says
We’ve all had those days. Hoping the lady with the houndish dog reads your apology, or hears about it, or feels it through the ether. How wonderful about your new lens! And how wonderful for all of us who get to enjoy the photos, especially that one of Fae incoming.
Yes, indeed, I had one of those mornings this morning (and all day, for that matter). It started when I got out of bed, opened the sliding glass door to let the cardigan corgi out, and he turned around and bit my foot, shaking it like a rag. So I certainly sympathize with your morning predicament.
I miss living with dogs….sharing the adventures of your life-with-dogs (from a safe distance)…helps fill the space in my heart…and has me wincing and roaring with laughter! The dogs look lovely with the sunshine and the new lens. Thank doG for the goodness in the world.
Been there and been That Person. It’s embarrassing when the little shitheads don’t listen, but perhaps you will run into the Nice Lady again and can make her day by apologizing and thanking her for trying to help. Congratulations on the lens — how happy that must make you!!
Maybe you can seek out the nice lady and give her and her hound a photo shoot? And Ender…
We’re local and our Leo is good and old (but still sporty!) Do we qualify?
We don’t want Ender though. :)
You have a right to have a bitchy day! You have a lot of dogs to handle in a small house and getting them all to listen is a giant task! Your new pictures are totally amazing, crystal clear with beautiful colors and shading. There are good people in this world, and I am so glad one found you and gave you the new lens. And hopefully the woman you encountered this morning will understand we all can’t be bright and cheery every moment of our lives. Enjoy your new lens as we look forward to more great photos
It would appear that tiny Fae went to school on Piper’s “Mad Teeth” and that she learned that lesson quite well! Good for her! She looks like she really is a riot and 1/2!
And I swear that if I had a dollar for every one of my own asshole/bitch moments through the years I could be living beachfront in some warm tropical paradise. now hoisting one for you in the hope that your weekend improves!
Lauren Miller says
I’m sorry about your awful morning!! I am not a morning person, either! Wow, that’s amazing that someone got you the lens!!!
I love your photos!!
Those photos are amazingly clear, wow, some people are very sweet! Always laugh at your posts, you are hilarious:)
What an AWESOME fairy godparent to give you that lens!!!! I know what they run… A mark, indeed, of how much your work is valued! Way to go, fairy godparent + Food Lady alike! And now the rest of us win by seeing awesome action photos once again!
The heron, in flight, letting the crap fly– you couldn’t have timed that photo better if you’d tried. I know it wasn’t what you were trying *for*, but nifty nonetheless. Go you and your new lens!
I’m sorry your day was rough, and I hope tomorrow is better.
Gratefulness is my mantra for this year and this is an example of why. So happy for you!
If you extend your offer to Washington, and there haven’t already been three, we’ll bring our 12 yo up for a photo shoot. Probably not, but we would love to meet you!
Teri Martin says
We are local :). My lab is only approaching his ninth birthday but sadly is unlikely to see his tenth. He had a major spinal surgery two years ago that bought us time but neurological issues have reared up again and the meds/chiro/massage is keeping me broke but him happy and bouncy for now.
Katharine Swan says
Congratulations on your new lens, and thank you (from all of us, I’m sure) to the wonderful reader who bought it for you! We will all be grateful every time we see your beautiful pictures, I am sure. I hope I am fortunate enough someday to be able to pay it forward like that.
Oh, funny!!!!! I myself *never* get bitchy.
I want to thank your fairy godmother for getting you the lens. The extra clear photo of the shitting heron is PRICELESS! One of my coworkers and I send each other photos of poop/pooping dogs when things are frustrating at work. I will have to send her a link to this post!!! She found an artist on Etsy that paints little tile-sized canvases of piles of poop with colorful backgrounds, little “jewels” of flies, aromatic squiggles, etc. We have those at our desks. I’d love to buy an enlargement of this exquisite photo. We are nurses who work in administration now and miss the days we worked with actual shit rather than political shit…
Kate D. says
Thank you Fairy God-parent for the lens, so I can selfishly continue to enjoy the wonderful photos and posts that I adore so much, What a wonderful way to start the New Year and to know there are definitely great people out there, and give yourself a break, we’ve all been there when walking dogs, and everyone has a bad day, for me I only walk 3 and that can get tense. I have one corgi size that thought he could take a mastiff down a few weeks ago, (won’t repeat my language on that !) remember the immortal word ” Next” and move onto other shit from there ! take care of yourself !
ps is there a way we can donate to helping Wootie and his knee surgery ? every bit helps, you give a lot to us and it would be nice to give back :))
Whoever that benefactor was, you have a big, big heart. Thank you for your generosity because I enjoy these photos! I hope dyke (not lesbian) lady thinks that you’re just having a bad day. She seemed like a nice enough person.
What a great post! I am snorting coffee through my nose over the poopy heron! Wonderful pics !
And always fabulous writing– I so enjoy your posts. Thank you!
Your benefactor is the world’s benefactor because your photography is a gift and a joy to us all. Thank you, kind person, for giving me such a wonderful source of pleasure, entertainment, education and awe.
And I hope Woo’s bum leg heals up okay!
many thanks to the lens fairy!!