Ugh. You ever have those mornings where you wake up and want to slap the happy Good Morning! grin off of every one of your damn tail wagging dogs? I woke up like that today. They’re all bouncing around yelling “It’s Saturday! It’s light outside! Let’s go for a walk!” and I’m all surly, hair akimbo, snarling “What the f*ck are you so happy about, you stupid shits?” I apparently forgot to latch Winter’s crate last night so he was leaping on and off the bed with inordinate enthusiasm and the only reason I got up was because my fantasy of giving him a good swift kick when he was in mid flight, and imagining him crashing through the bedroom wall and then the exterior house wall, and then bouncing and rolling for like a mile through the pasture on every rock and sharp thing out there from the force of my anti-morning rage, was becoming a little too satisfying.
Then whilst I am trudging along the back of the property with a scowl on my face so serious it’s actually giving me a headache, the stupid mutts take off after Imaginary Creature and the bastards actually swim the ditch and are racing through the blueberry fields, all having simultaneously gone deaf. I finally convince them all to come back by using my Come To Jesus Voice and we get up to where the property meets the public dykes and for the first time in as long as I can remember, we encounter Another Dog. Fortunately I manage to football tackle TWooie and pin him in the mud, but the rest of them go flying down the dyke to jump all over the dog’s owner and bark and yodel (ENDER) ferociously at the dog itself, some big houndy looking thing who totally takes it in stride. On a normal day, I would just continue laying on top of TWooie, apologize to the dog owner and make a joke.
But I’m GROUCHY today so I holler at my dogs to F*CK OFF AND LEAVE IT and of course every single one of them forgets they ever learned anything, ever, and continue to smear mud and coyote poop and rabbit guts or whatever the hell else is on their feet all over the lady and bark in her dog’s face. I finally haul TWooie to his feet and stomp back in the direction of our property (hunched over like Quasimodo because TWooie is short and I’ve got him by the collar, because OF COURSE I neglected to bring the Emergency Bad Dog Needs A Lesson Leash), the rest of the pack sort of meandering in my direction, reluctant to leave their new best friends, and continuing to ignore me swearing and yelling at them. I get about 50 feet down the path on my property when the lady appears with her dog, striding right at me. And because today I am the Biggest Asshole in the Whole Entire Universe, I actually said to her:
“THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY.”
(WTF is wrong with me? Who SAYS that??)
She blinks at me for a moment and says “I’m just trying to help.” And I turn into SATAN and reply “You keep coming is not helping.” Which is true, in all fairness, because if she had stopped at the property line and turned back, my dogs would have eventually left her alone and come back to me. But because today is Food Lady Super Bitch day, it comes out all snarly and she throws up her hands and turns and walks away.
I’m such a jerk. Really, I need one of those medi-alert bracelets that says “Requires Strong Coffee, STAT” to absolve me of my assholiness. So if you’re reading this and you know the lady, or you ARE the lady – gawd, I’m sorry for being such a douche this morning.
Bah. Stupid today. I can’t believe I shit all over that poor woman.
Kind of like this heron is shitting all over everything.
Wouldn’t that have been a pretty photo without the truckload of poop shooting out of its ass like an AIM-9 Sidewinder? It’s so tack clear, in focus, nicely blurred background…
Tack clear. IN FOCUS. WTF, how did I manage that with my infamous limpdick F4 with the dying motor?
I didn’t. I took it with my brand new F2.8 70-200mm USM ii.
I took these at about 4PM yesterday, shortly before it started getting dark, with only a hit of sunshine in the sky because it was mostly cloudy. And they were in focus!
I was shooting in MANUAL, adjusting exposure and metering on the fly!
From across the pasture!
My dogs are beautiful through the lens again! I can see their EYES!
Addy’s not even funny looking in this photo!
I don’t even hate Ender in this one!
It’s like discovering photography all over again. It’s amazing.
It all came to be when a blog reader – whom I will not “out” because I didn’t ask this person if I could or not – contacted me and said they’d had some good fortune this year and after reading about how all my saved pennies for a new lens would be going to the Wootie’s doG Damned Knee fund wanted to do something nice, so bought me the lens I could not afford. It is one of the single most amazing things that has ever happened to me, and I am beyond humbled and grateful. I still kind of can’t believe it, even when it’s in my hot little hands and I’m shooting with it.
Sometimes the people in the universe are magical. Let us all give thanks for that, just for a moment.
There is no way I can ever repay this person for their amazing generosity, but I am a big believer in putting kindness back out into the ether, so as my way of paying it forward (and also atoning for being a giant asshole to the random dog owner this morning) I am going to offer a free photo shoot to the first THREE dog owning readers (local only – ie the Lower Mainland) who contact me, who have dogs over 10 years of age. Because everyone with an old dog deserves to have nice photos of their aging best friend, but aging best friends can be expensive best friends, so paying for photo shoots can be tough to justify. So if you have a senior dog, and you’re in the Lower Mainland, and you are one of the first three people to contact me, I will photograph your dog(s) for free sometime in the next couple of months.
Also, I’ll give you Ender!
Now, if someone could just get Wootie away from his Guard TWooie, we’ll get to work fixing that knee.