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Ryan and Abby

Mommy will kick you until you’re dead.

February 26, 2010 By The Food Lady 117 Comments

Say whuuut?
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Ha ha! I was having a conversation recently with an animal trainer friend of mine (whom I won’t “out” here in case she doesn’t want anyone to know about her personal vulgarities) and when I made a joke about Wootie’s recall being something along the lines of “Fine! I hope you drown in that river, you willfully-deaf, disobedient, pile of orange garbage!” she told me that her newest response to *her* ‘selective listening’ dog was to promise to kick him until he was dead.

I *may* have laughed until I cried.

Abby doesn’t find it all that funny.
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This got me thinking about all the Frustration Phrases that have either come out of my mouth, or the mouths of my friends, with respect to their dogs over the years.

Why just last weekend, after the agility trial, I posted on Facebook something to the effect of how proud I was of Tweed, and that I’d left Piper in the dumpster behind the gas station on my way home. Which was indeed something I had threatened her with when we left the trial site.

She’s just kidding. Right? *goes off to find Piper*
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In agility class, Tweed expresses his enthusiasm by talking about how happy he is. Loudly, rhythmically and eternally. It’s this great, booming, metronomic ARF ARF ARF ARF – you could play an entire symphony on the piano to this noise. He does it while other dogs are running, and it increases in frequency when he thinks it’s his turn: WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF. It. Drives me. INSANE.

Our class often runs late, and generally our last exercise is a timed run-off where we all try to run clean and beat everyone else. The next class is frequently coming in to set up while we are finishing up the Competition Run – and since I have two dogs who run 16″ Specials, Piper is often near the beginning, and Tweed somewhere near the end, so they catch Tweed’s run mostly. I don’t know all the people in the next class, just a few of them.

Recently one friend in the late class told me that I scared the bejesus out of some of his classmates by hollering at Tweed “I will reach down your throat and remove your bark box with my fingers if you don’t shut up!!”

You’d have to catch me like a tennis ball first!
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(don’t tell anyone we were playing Dumball, okay? Shhh.)

Food Lady let us play Dumball! Food Lady let us play Dumball!!
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Dexter, I will shake you until your testicles drop.

(Hmm. Not a bad idea, actually.)

My friend Finn, whom I’ve blogged about before, is like the tattooed patron saint of needy animals. She’s worked in animal welfare her whole life. She travels the world lending a hand to animals in crisis; she was in New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina, she is regularly at New Hope’s Casa Lupita in Nicaragua. Now she is heading off to Haiti in the aftermath of the horrible earthquakes that have devastated the Haitians. In other words, there is nobody more invested in the well being of the world’s critters than Saint Finn.

And yet, Finn has been heard to tell her dogs that she will beat them repeatedly with a 2X4 before sending them back to the Pound. Loudly.

I think people need to have more of a sense of humour when it comes to their dogs sometimes. We get so caught up in being politically correct about how we train, how patient and tolerant we can be … we forget sometimes that dogs can be really freakin’ frustrating, and that it’s okay to get irritated, and that without a healthy sense of humour about it, we might go insane. As long as you channel your frustration into funny … that way, you’re a lot less likely to *actually* take it out on your dog.

Last night Dexter ate my headphones for Skype. Whilst sitting on my toes, I might add, innocent as a Spring blossom, the little turd monkey. I *may* have told him he was getting the leftovers for breakfast, and that there would be no more real food coming his way, ever.

I don’t know about you, Mr. Husky, but I think TFL just likes to hear the sound of her own voice. I don’t like it much, and that’s why I ignore her. What say we take her out?
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Plus I think they learn something from it.

Last night in agility class, Piper nailed her weave entries every.single.run. That’s never happened in the history of Piper. (Piper: “The dog full of GO, but empty of KNOW” ~ courtesy of Christine. hee hee!!) I like to believe the dumpster threat is responsible for this magical turn of events.

So what’s your dirty little secret? What threats do you utter at your recalcitrant canines? Don’t be ashamed – I won’t judge you! After all, my K9 Mantra is:

More Beatings. Less Love.

Oh shut up already. And here’s your stupid frisbee.
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Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Dexter, Mr. Woo, Ryan and Abby, Tweed

Tick tock, tick tock

October 18, 2009 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Where does the time go?

Can you believe this strapping young lad:

Was once this little guy?

Zomg, Ryan, you got huge!

What?!

Waaaah!! My lost youth! Woe is me.

I guess I’ve got puppy growth on the bean today, as I ponder what this little feller is going to look like one day.

Since this photo was taken, I’m told his white bits are getting all freckly!

I know you are all VERY excited to watch Spike-o-saurus grow up, but I gotta tell you, I’m afraid!! It has been a really looong time since I raised a puppy (and that puppy was Tweed, which doesn’t give me a lot of confidence!) and I’ve forgotten everything.

But you have been craving a puppy forever, Food Lady! No I haven’t – I mean, I have, but I crave puppies in the abstract. Cutiepie wiggly fluffy butts. Not peeing, pooping, chewing no-training machines. Eep.

So you swapped Maeve for a little puppy. You suck. Maybe I do suck, but I assure you, there was no Maeve swapping going on here. I love my Miss Maeven, and she is pretty much exactly the age I would *prefer* to adopt … because I’d much rather have an idea of a dog’s structure, temperament and drive than the unknown of a wee puppyblob. I prefer a little training, an attention span, the Oscar-winning bonus of being HOUSEBROKEN and sleeping through the night. Maeve is SO MUCH WIN. Young adults are a million times better than puppies. You just remember I said that the next time you go looking for a dog to adopt.

Liar. You were going to adopt Spike all along. Nope, I really wasn’t. I *heart* the whole litter of pups – again, in the abstract. I loved going to Hilary’s house, smergling puppy bellies, and then going home to my well trained* adults. I was not in love with any one puppy. And Spike really was the litter leftover – we received over 100 applications for this litter and exactly zero of them were for Spike. I’m not sure why, but I hope I can raise him right and make all 100 of those people feel like they made a big mistake! (actually, I only want to make 93 of them feel like they made a mistake – the other 7 adopted his siblings, so by default I automatically love those people. They’re family now.)

*Woo excepted.

Do you know what the temperament tester said about Spike?

BIG PERSONALITY.

Oh boy. What have I done?

I should’ve just kept Maeve! Although after today’s mud splattered outing, perhaps not too.

What?

Miss Graceful did a faceplant into 6 inches of mudpuddle. And you wonder why she wouldn’t make a great agility dog?!

Ridiculous. It was just a little mud. Stupid, fussy, fastidious Food Lady.

It’s the worst time to get a puppy too – smack in the middle of my move, no money, no job, right on the heels of Miss Maeve, who leaves 24 hours before Spike arrives … ugh.

I just hope it doesn’t stress the Big Dawgs out too much. They’re already going to be sad that we are leaving behind some of our favourite places, like Bridgeman Park in the Fall.

Auntie Jody, did she just say ‘no more Bridgeman?’

I just hope that bringing home a tiny humpable will distract Mr. T!

mmmm … humpable puppy …..

Oh and have I mentioned that Mr. Woo HATES puppies?

Like this puppy, seconds before Mr. Woo informed him he was about to get his butt kicked clear across the Lower Mainland.


There are only 3 things in the world Mr. Woo does not like:
1) lettuce
2) being left behind and
3) puppies.

Great.

Anyway … got any idea for a name for Spike? I’ve not come up with anything good for him yet.

And who wants to puppysit for me on Sunday evening, November 1st? My wonderful mum got us tickets to see David Sedaris in Vancouver for my birthday gift.

He’s really cute! (Spike I mean, not David)

Do you notice how in EVERY photo of Spike, he is looking straight at the camera lens? Yeah, that might have had a little something to do with my decision … :)

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Bridgeman, foster puppies, Maeve, Mr. Woo, Piper, Ryan and Abby, Spike, Tweed

"Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better …

February 21, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

…I can do anything better than you.“
Ryan has some stylin’ Fifa ™ moves:

But Wootie’s moves are better.
(Actually Ryan’s are better, but Woo is currently fat, so we’re being kind)

So, thanks for introducing yourselves! That was fun. There are so many of you! We know 3WAAW is no Daily Coyote, but looks like we do alright. It’s hard to compete with a pet coyote. Even when you have a Woo.

I’m just kidding. Even I like the Daily Coyote better than my own blog!

Since you all introduced yourselves, I guess I should too. This is me:
I’m The Food Lady. I’m 35, I’m single (again), my camera will one day need to be surgically removed from my body, and I have a really effin’ cool parka. This is all you need to know about me. Oh that, and I am planning a photo tour of Dogs of the West Coast in May of this year.

I am sorry for starting the Grammar Wars, even though it was actually Rossiebug’s fault and not mine at all. But after “watching” (reading) you argue, I asked one of the smartest people I know, who will be referred to only as Naughty Teacher, for clarification. Naughty Teacher is a highschool English teacher (and, for the record, he is also a real smartass – but he knows his grammar) and he said:

“James’ = elegant
James’s = tacky

Choose your poison.”

I’ve been called many things, but tacky is NOT one of them. So it’s James’ log, definitively, and we won’t speak of it again. And we can all remain friends.

And while we are introducing ourselves, let me introduce Lars’ (<-- !!!) new brother The Dog Currently Known As Bear:
He looks quite a bit like Dusty, doesn’t he? Cookie Uncle is trying to out-foster-dog me.

TDCKAB is doing whatever Dusty does, but better, as Cookie Uncle shows a strong inclination toward TDCKAB that he does not show toward Dusty. Allegedly, TDCKAB is still Cookie Uncle’s foster dog, but we all think he’s going to go legit any minute now.

But he needs a new name. Bear won’t do. What should we call TDCKAB?

And speaking of dogs who look like one another, and to help out “anonymous” who asked for another Lars-and-Tweed comparison, here’s a photo of the two red devils:

Can you tell them apart?

One is mentally challenged, and the other one is … a 3 day old corpse.
Who’s who?

Here’s a photo of Woo playing with a random puppy.

PSYCH! That’s the Un-Wootie. That’s a dog trying to do whatever Woo can do, but better. But he FAILED.

Wootie:

Not Wootie

Weird huh?

“Remember the last blog entry, where you called me an asshole? Yeah, well, I’m goin’ all Matrix on your ass now.”

This is not a very good photo in terms of quality, but Ryan wanted to outdo Dusty and kick some Abby ass (look at his arms!)

But anything Ryan can do, Dusty can do better:

Wootie may be fat, but NO ONE can hurl himself in the ocean like The Woo!

Was there a point to this?? (sorry!)

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Bear, dog beach, Dusty, Food Lady, Lars, Mr. Woo, Piper, Ryan and Abby, Tweed

James’ Log (or: Ignoring Rossiebug the Grammar Nazi)

February 18, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Apparently.

That’s fine. James can have the log.

Tweed and Piper have the whole beach.

Does Ryan look worried to you?

Maybe because The Pale Man is coming?
(If you get this reference, you win … Tweed)

Wootie’s not scared of the Pale Man

“Shut up!” “YOU shut up!” “I hate you!” “You’re dead meat, asshole!” Etc.

For real, Dusty’s pretty eyes are just fine, and still in his head.

As are Daz’s eyes:

Ryan …

Wants to be Lars.

Tweed wants to be dry

Piper wants to be misunderstood (she’s so emo)

WTF?

I put a counter on this site yesterday. In 24 hours, 3WAAW has been viewed over 250 times. How come ya’ll don’t take a moment to say hi and introduce yourselves?

Woo loves his fans!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Dusty, grammar, Lars, Mr. Woo, Piper, Ryan and Abby, Tweed

Happy Valentines Day

February 14, 2008 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment

Nobody else wanted to wish you a Happy Valentines Day by posing near the random flower we found. Just Tweed. Sorry.

So a little while ago it, like, snowed and we have photos of that. And now it’s not warm, exactly, but warm enough to play at the beach. We have photos of that too. But first…

Is this your pitbull playing tug with Abby?

If so, he’s a nice dog. Plays nicely with others. The guy you hired to “train” the “aggression” out of him is a (cover your kids’ eyes please; filthy mouth alert)

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FUCKTARD!

Seriously. You’ve not hired merely a charlatan, you’ve hired a fucking SADIST. Your first clue might have been when he confused “poor recall” with “dominance.”

The second might have been when he picked your sweet, playful pitbull up, held him 5 feet above the ground and then slammed him to said ground ribs-first like dead weight, all the while pontificating to his horrified audience (ie me and Auntie Jody) about how “that’ll teach him.” If he had done it to a less robust dog, it might actually have been dead weight after that treatment. If he’d done to a less good natured dog, it might have ripped his stupid moustached faced off.

BTW, if this same fella is walking your Malamute or maybe your piss-terrified Portuguese Water Dog and he’s got them chained together about 6″ apart so they get agitated, tangled and then they fight (with the pitbull, who lost his off leash privileges for playing frisbee). And when they fight, he slams them to the ground too and holds them there BY THEIR LIPS until they SCREAM with PAIN.

This time, I called Animal Control and the SPCA and gave them his license plate #. Next time, there is a possibility I may kick him in the testicles while Auntie Jody holds him down by the lips as he screams.

This is a good time to remind you all that CRAZY ASSHOLES ARE SHITTY DOG TRAINERS!!! Don’t hire them!

/end rant

This is what passes for snow in our ‘hood.

Dusty has made himself at home with the pack, as you can see. He spends all his time chasing Wootie, and Wootie spends so much time fending him off he can’t chase Piper, for which Piper is very grateful.

All this running has not made Woo any thinner though. He is still fat.

But that snow is long gone. We’re back at the beach this week with our pals.
(Dusty found the table too scary to climb on)

Dusty was chasing Woo and keeping him distracted, so there was no one to chase Piper… except this weird leggy creature with no torso:

Dusty gave “fetch” a try and decided he liked it.

But not as much as Mr. Woo liked ….

…this log.

“Oh yeah baby. I wanna rub you allll over.” (look what it did to The Flamboyance ™!”

I know it’s Valentines Day and all, but this was a blatant PDOL!! (Public Display of Lasciviousness)

I was getting a little worried. But then Woo’s girlfriend showed up and thankfully he abandoned his log love. Dusty looked on with envy. Woo likes Dusty, but not like this!

Abby just wants you to throw her frisbee. Please?

Happy Valentines from me and my pack. The dogs are going to chill at home tonight :)

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: dog beach, Dusty, Mr. Woo, Piper, Ryan and Abby, snow, Tweed

What’s on YOUR picnic table??

December 16, 2007 By The Food Lady Leave a Comment


Missing from the photo are Red Dog, who can’t get up on that table, and Boomer, who would NOT get up on that table.

What? Who is Boomer you ask?

Boomer

Boomer is TDBCR’s latest acquisition. He’s about 7 months old and although was advertised as a BC X Lab, looks like a smooth coat Aussie red BC to us. He is one good looking dog. He’s a damn fine cup of coffee! And he is looking for a home.

‘Course, he doesn’t hold a candle to the most sophisticated, always composed, Cooper.

Oh, Cooper. (Cooper is still looking for a home too. I know. We don’t get it either.)

Cooper had an evil twin at the beach today. I mean, I’m sure he wasn’t actually evil and was probably a very nice dog, but he looked like Evil Cooper. I don’t know what’s with the Twin Peaks references in this entry. I apologize.

Evil Cooper

And speaking of twins … the Doublemints were at it again today:

“Get out of the shot, Ryan!”


So there we were at the beach, with 8 border collies and Abby

(Abby)

And we ran into random guy who is my new hero. He’s my new hero because he didn’t even bat an eyelash at the overwhelming amount of energy we we carting along with. In fact, all he wanted to do was chat about iPhones and didn’t even seem to notice that we had the 9 Dogs Of The Apocalypse with us.

It could be because he was roaming around with these:

In my experience, one hunting dog = 4 border collies with respect to insane energy levels. No wonder he wasn’t phased!

Eeep.

Crazy ears interlude!

Red Dog is still motoring along. Half his face remains paralyzed, no change on that front, and since the Doggles ™ eating incident, we have agreed he may lurch around unencumbered by tacky sunglasses. In return, he promises not to raid my garbage can anymore. It seemed a fair trade.
But it’s kind of sad-slash-pathetic too, because RD’s bottom lip droops on the paralyzed side of his face. It forms a sort of scoopy “u” shape of extra lip, and it kept filling up with sand. Sometimes I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the bizarre ailments my dogs come down with.

Coookie Uncle showed up with a hangover and a pair of shorts. Fortunately for us all, he was wearing the shorts. But it is the middle of winter, and none of us were sure why he was wearing shorts.

Wootie says “I don’t care if you suffer from Inappropriate Clothing Syndrome, Cookie Uncle. I will worship at the Altar Of Short Pants if it means cookies will rain down upon me.” And so it came to pass.

I suspect even Lars was embarrassed about the short pants. He seemed to hope the earth would just swallow him.

Poor Lars

So yeah, Cooper and Boomer are looking for homes of their own. They are two fantastic dogs!

Cooper is about a year old and is a smart, responsive, athletic, sweet and cuddly dog. His turn ons include Vacuum Cleaner Wrestling and cookies.

Boomer is about 7 months old and he likes to party. He says his ideal partner is an agility competitor who likes to have a little fun with tennis balls. He enjoys mud wrestling and acquisitions (of toys).

Tell your friends!

There are no puppy photos this weekend, alas. I did not have the time to make the trek out there to visit my poopsies. Maybe next weekend.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: briggs, Mr. Woo, Piper, red dog, Ryan and Abby, Tweed

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