Ha ha! I was having a conversation recently with an animal trainer friend of mine (whom I won’t “out” here in case she doesn’t want anyone to know about her personal vulgarities) and when I made a joke about Wootie’s recall being something along the lines of “Fine! I hope you drown in that river, you willfully-deaf, disobedient, pile of orange garbage!” she told me that her newest response to *her* ‘selective listening’ dog was to promise to kick him until he was dead.
I *may* have laughed until I cried.
Abby doesn’t find it all that funny.
This got me thinking about all the Frustration Phrases that have either come out of my mouth, or the mouths of my friends, with respect to their dogs over the years.
Why just last weekend, after the agility trial, I posted on Facebook something to the effect of how proud I was of Tweed, and that I’d left Piper in the dumpster behind the gas station on my way home. Which was indeed something I had threatened her with when we left the trial site.
She’s just kidding. Right? *goes off to find Piper*
In agility class, Tweed expresses his enthusiasm by talking about how happy he is. Loudly, rhythmically and eternally. It’s this great, booming, metronomic ARF ARF ARF ARF – you could play an entire symphony on the piano to this noise. He does it while other dogs are running, and it increases in frequency when he thinks it’s his turn: WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF. It. Drives me. INSANE.
Our class often runs late, and generally our last exercise is a timed run-off where we all try to run clean and beat everyone else. The next class is frequently coming in to set up while we are finishing up the Competition Run – and since I have two dogs who run 16″ Specials, Piper is often near the beginning, and Tweed somewhere near the end, so they catch Tweed’s run mostly. I don’t know all the people in the next class, just a few of them.
Recently one friend in the late class told me that I scared the bejesus out of some of his classmates by hollering at Tweed “I will reach down your throat and remove your bark box with my fingers if you don’t shut up!!”
You’d have to catch me like a tennis ball first!
(don’t tell anyone we were playing Dumball, okay? Shhh.)
Food Lady let us play Dumball! Food Lady let us play Dumball!!
Dexter, I will shake you until your testicles drop.
(Hmm. Not a bad idea, actually.)
My friend Finn, whom I’ve blogged about before, is like the tattooed patron saint of needy animals. She’s worked in animal welfare her whole life. She travels the world lending a hand to animals in crisis; she was in New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina, she is regularly at New Hope’s Casa Lupita in Nicaragua. Now she is heading off to Haiti in the aftermath of the horrible earthquakes that have devastated the Haitians. In other words, there is nobody more invested in the well being of the world’s critters than Saint Finn.
And yet, Finn has been heard to tell her dogs that she will beat them repeatedly with a 2X4 before sending them back to the Pound. Loudly.
I think people need to have more of a sense of humour when it comes to their dogs sometimes. We get so caught up in being politically correct about how we train, how patient and tolerant we can be … we forget sometimes that dogs can be really freakin’ frustrating, and that it’s okay to get irritated, and that without a healthy sense of humour about it, we might go insane. As long as you channel your frustration into funny … that way, you’re a lot less likely to *actually* take it out on your dog.
Last night Dexter ate my headphones for Skype. Whilst sitting on my toes, I might add, innocent as a Spring blossom, the little turd monkey. I *may* have told him he was getting the leftovers for breakfast, and that there would be no more real food coming his way, ever.
I don’t know about you, Mr. Husky, but I think TFL just likes to hear the sound of her own voice. I don’t like it much, and that’s why I ignore her. What say we take her out?
Plus I think they learn something from it.
Last night in agility class, Piper nailed her weave entries every.single.run. That’s never happened in the history of Piper. (Piper: “The dog full of GO, but empty of KNOW” ~ courtesy of Christine. hee hee!!) I like to believe the dumpster threat is responsible for this magical turn of events.
So what’s your dirty little secret? What threats do you utter at your recalcitrant canines? Don’t be ashamed – I won’t judge you! After all, my K9 Mantra is:
More Beatings. Less Love.
Oh shut up already. And here’s your stupid frisbee.
Donna says
I often threaten to sell Justice to gypsies. This worked AMAZINGLY the first time, but apparently not following through on my threat has left her saying "ha ha ha, no you won't, I don't even SEE any gypsies." as she waltzes off to do whatever it is that is more important than me. Which is everything.
More beatings, less love. I gotta come up with more realistic threats.
Barb says
These aren't original but they make me grin as I'm saying them, which IMO is the whole point – gets your frustration out without making you sound so seriously angry that it scares the dog:
1. I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!
2. I'm gonna trade you in for a gerbil, then sell the gerbil.
3. I'm going to kick you into next week.
But I think "I'm gonna kick you until you are dead" is my new fave!
Just A Girl says
I tell my dog I'm going to throw her out the window, which is a completely empty threat since we live in a ranch house. She doesn't know that though.
riosmom says
The picture of Woo and the husky should be labeled "Make my day" and is heart stopping – Woo really looks like he is asking for trouble and is about to get it.
I know lots of people suggested you write a dog training book – it sure would be different!
I can't compete in the threat department because my dogs are perfect – in my dreams. But I try not to show my frustration because both dogs shut down if I do but I do use sarcasm "Would it really kill you to move so I don't have to step over you?"
BcBerri says
My neighbors laugh every time they here me in the back yard working with the boys. He thinks it's hysterical & gets that it's all in love :)
1. I'm going to turn all of you into furry little throw rugs!
2. I'm going to let Jake use you for target practice! (my cousin who is an avid hunter)
3. Do it again and I will simply drown you in your sleep! (yeah, I don't even know where this one originally came from)
Karen says
Tip down Dex.
Oh you're in fine form, what a post:) Can't think of any things offhand that I threaten the dogs with, does that mean they must be perfect? I think not!
When I am teaching at our club I do tell the newbies that it is perfectly fine to swear at their dogs, just keep it happy:)
Debra Kay says
I'm glad you posted this. I feel like I can share among friends.
1. YOU really are my least favorite dog…..
2. You give me more grey hairs than all the others.
3.(this one for solo) Sometimes I wish I had let Molly EAT you when you got here.
4. If we are all starving-we are eating you first.
5. I am going to shoot you and tell God you died.
Debra Kay says
Oh and
"I should stuff you-you'd still be nice to look at but less trouble"
Clara says
There's one main threat in my house and that is "you are going in a sack in the river!" But I may start using the dumpster threat, I like that too!
2halves says
I frequently tell Kate that I will blacken her other eye. “Matching set? Is that what you’re going for? ‘Cause we can make that happen.”
cre8vekaos says
The one I've had to use lately, is "When I catch you, I'm going to tie your ears on TOP of your head so you'll at least HEAR ME!"
All I get is the tail in return. Sigh. I think I'll take the cat up on his offer of a hit.
Anonymous says
The one most commonly used @ our house is "…. how would you like to wear your ass as a hat !?????" while pretending to butt kick said sashaying ass as it runs away.
supergreen says
I don't often threaten my dog, because he is very insecure, but with my horses I often tell them 'the beatings will continue until morale improves'.
Kilo says
Unfortunately, threats would be lost on my not-so-bright Xolo, I just switch from calling her "Gretta" to "Regretta" as in I regret ever adopting your scrawny little ass!
Alaska says
"Your visiting privileges are hereby canceled from now to eternity!", said to the red kelpie this very morning as I stomped through the neighbor's marshy cow pasture to retrieve him so I could leave for work (now with wet feet). Yes, he did make me late for work, and no, he did not have visiting privileges in the first place.
That's definitely not in the same league as "kick you until you're dead," but I agree, verbalizing such feelings with as much black humor as possible is a great way to drain off the frustration.
Fenway says
I tell 'em I'm going to release him in traffic.
Carol says
You know, I don't often get frustrated with my dogs… I don't know that I've ever wanted to kick them til they're dead! :)
Maybe having a sister that I often want to leave in a dumpster makes my dogs seem like angels!
r0ssie says
My mom recently had to have her dog put down. Since then, the standard threat has been "you're next!" Totally inappropriate.
Helene says
Everymorning I go to walk my dog like a good mom, and just sits there and stares at me, doesn't move a muscle. I whistle, I say COME, I pick up the leash, I open the door, and I threaten to go without her. I mean really, aren't dogs, especially labs,supposed to want to go out? I shouldn't have to beg. But she knows I won't go without her so she comes down when she is ready.
Melinda says
"Remember: those of us with thumbs rule the world". (Perhaps muttered more as a self-affirmation than anything else. How pathetic is that?)
"Now where did I put that receipt from the pound…" (as 4 dawgs happily flip me the dew claw and continue with whatever they were doing in the first place)
"You do know I could rip your throat out while you're sleeping, right?"(Oops! That's what my *dogs* say when frustrated with me…)
cinnamondog says
Unoriginal but satisfying: "Get in the car, I'm going to take you to the shelter and tie you to the railing!"
"I will drop-kick you so hard you will hit Western Avenue and bounce!"
For Sundance, who is a poop-eater: "You know, you are what you eat!" But lately I have been calling him "my little lotus blossom" because the Buddhist symbol of a lotus, which grows out of the muck and filth … yeah, it's kind of labored. I'll probably just go back to "Sundance, you shit-head" pretty soon.
Crazy Dog Blog says
I just wanted to say that everyone's comments made me laugh almost as much as your post.
Please don't stop blogging Food Lady! Your posts are always the highlight of my day.
julie says
I only get as far as "Watch it, or I'll step on your toes deliberately!" to Hasse when she's jumping backwards, or sideways like a crab, so close to me I can smell her breath (in a manner of speaking, I can't actually smell anything, except when she had goat the night before, yuk) for the UMPTEENTH time! And I only yell that when I'm tired of stepping on them accidentally. ;)
"Next time I will dump you in that hole before I close it up!" *may* also have slipped out once after finding another hole my BC's dug. But only once or so, since I find it hard to believe they dig these holes themselves – they look more like bomb craters!
Great, funny post as usual. Thanks for being back and sharing your awesome dogs and their stories!
Katherine says
I tell my guys I'm going to "Caesar Milan" them. Then I let them fill in the blanks…
Carla says
Oh I am so glad you are still here and posting, I have been reading forever but this is my first post, I really needed a laugh today.
My favorites these days are (for 10mo old border collie)
1. when she chewed through my laptop adapter cord the "second" time, "I hope your ass got electrocuted".
2. When she blows me off to run around the forest behind our house (rarely is she off the long lead) "I hope you run into a COYOTE!"
Schnauzer-Houser says
I have Schnauzers, so I threaten to drag them by their beards or chop off what's left of their stub-tail. Or, if they are jerks at a trial I threaten to tie them to the roof of the car on the drive home.
Waylon Aussies says
I agree – the post itself made me laugh my ass off, and the comments have been just as good.
When we were putting in the fence posts to the main gates leading back to our farm, I placed the ashes of two of our dogs (that I'd saved until I had a proper place to put them) at the base of each post as we sunk the post.
I'm still holding on to the ashes of my first herding dog to place them at the gate post of our new training pen when it is built. So since then my threat has been, "I've got a post hole with your name on it!"
Tatyana says
When I'm grooming annoying mannerless dogs (usually the kind that move and twist and fight nonstop not realizing that my scissors can slice an ear off) I threaten to send them to Korea where they will feed a small family for two days.
Nothing against Korea, and I'm not implying that all Koreans eat dogs or anything like that. But it IS done and it DOES make me feel slightly less frustrated telling shithead dogs about it.
Better say mean things than alpha roll them dog whisperer style like some groomers love to.
Carole says
Along with "I'm going to give you away to a very mean family!", my favourite threat to my beloved but excessively barky terrier x was "if you don't shut up I'm going to RIP YOUR EARS OFF!"
I once said this (much too loudly) in the vet's waiting room. For once it worked, and it was followed by a shocked silence. From everyone, including the dog, the other clients, the staff…
Anonymous says
1." or die!" said in the voice of painful death, or Darth Vader, whichever you can muster in your last-nerve state of mind.
2. You'd make a VERY nice coat!
-Ruth B.
Quinn says
My dad likes to threaten the animals a lot – he enjoys telling my dog, Snickers, to "Go play in the road!"
And, "Go out and play in the street with that other dog – Greyhound!" Like, y'know. The bus. >.>
In a mock-threatening arena, I tell Snickers often that I'm going to "beat him up with love".
Anonymous says
I see I should have previewed my comment, sent previously.
"(insert command here) or die!"
Ashley says
When I am working with my dock diving retriever and he's being a pain, I tell him I will throw him into the f$$%^#$ water if he doesn't get in it.
I threaten to sell them, to give them to the pound, that I will 'kick you so hard you won't know what hit you', and for my retriever (who is the worse) 'THIS IS WHY BORDER COLLIES ARE THE SMARTEST, YOU'RE DUMB AS A ROCK' which isn't quit a threat just a yelled (frequently) saying to him because sometimes he really drives me nuts.
Shetlander says
I have an all-purpose, vague "I swear to God…" which I never really finish and even I'm not sure what I'm vowing to do. I sometimes generically say "I will hurt you." And I've been known to remark "I'll hang you like a windsock."
People sometimes look at me funny but the dogs ignore me.
Sweet~Ceana says
HAHAHA! These are great. My angry dog phrase is "Well nobody really likes you anyway."
Elizabeth says
I regularly threaten to throw my cat (my 19.3 lb cat – who is not actually fat, just giant) out the window. I live on the third floor.
And you know what? It works! He stops crying at me!
3aussiemom says
I tell the rotten little spotty dog I will rip his vocal cords out with my bare hands. He cocks his little head & looks at me "srsly momma?" Sometimes I just say Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Now. That doesn't work either. Sigh. He has SO much to say.
Larissa says
"If i believed in beating dogs i would beat the shit out of you" or "I'm throwing ALL the frisbees out!!!!!!!!!" And that normally gets her attention because Frisbee or F word or even Flying disc makes her drop everything and expect play time. Am i going to hell for saying Frisbee with no frisbee in hand? i think she wished me there LOL. But it got her to come back to me ha!
Alex93andme says
I love this post!!! I let Holly outside in the fenced backyard and she doesn't come in when I call her. I scream "stay out there you….., I don't like you anyway…..you are a ……. and nobody would ever have you except the pound." Then I turn the lights off and linger at the back door checking to see where she is!! Sometimes I worry about someone calling the police on my cussing so loud outside!! If they do, I'll blame Holly! Lots of love, Debbie and "the good/bad dog Holly" (I'm sure all she is hearing from me is blah blah blah blah)
StefRobrts says
Excellent! I thought I was the only one who let their dog occasionally push them past the edge of sanity. When I lose it I tell Barclay he's a rotten little son of a bitch, but I guess that's all true, so it explains why he just ignores me and continues whatever evil thing he was doing…
melissa says
I threaten to beat Shadow with my dog-beating stick.
I also threaten to take her back to the shelter and trade her in for a better dog.
Mary says
After Ryder has flipped me the paw for a few agility runs I sing him the 'SPCA' song *to the tune of Village People YMCA*
Sing it with me Ryder – We're going to go to the S-P-C-A….
Liza says
I show basenjis in obedience and agility, so I have a lot of sayings.
My favorites are:
Basenji potpie tonight! or
Basenji en brochette!
Or, I'm gonna give you free to a bad home! Vivsectionist preferred.
Liza
Kate says
I sometimes threaten my dog that I will sell him to the glue factory for $6. Doesn't work.
dojodog says
Both of my boys were re-homed several times before we adopted them. So, telling them "You can be re-homed again" seems to work most of the time.
Running With Dogs says
I used to work for a rescue that trained the dogs before adopting them out; and more than one dog recalled to "I'm gonna kick your ass" – now try explaining THAT to a potential adopter!
karron says
When I dogsit my friends Beardie (entire show dog), I threaten her and him with – "if he pees inside, I'll cut his balls off". I dont so much yell at Loki, but when he's not paying attention its usually "hello, earth to Loki, earth calling Loki" or "please feel free to engage your brain anytime soon"
Emma Rose says
We have a Border Collie pup, 7 months old, and the thing that really gets him is calling him "stupid". It's almost like he KNOWS what we're saying!
Mindy says
I don't have to threaten my dogs…. they are perfect. (Ducking for cover!)
Chasing The Dog says
I threatened to beat my dog until she couldn't breathe and then I thought "wow. that can't be healthy that that actually just fell from my mouth" but she's still breathing. So, you know, no harm, no foul. :)