Ha ha! I was having a conversation recently with an animal trainer friend of mine (whom I won’t “out” here in case she doesn’t want anyone to know about her personal vulgarities) and when I made a joke about Wootie’s recall being something along the lines of “Fine! I hope you drown in that river, you willfully-deaf, disobedient, pile of orange garbage!” she told me that her newest response to *her* ‘selective listening’ dog was to promise to kick him until he was dead.
I *may* have laughed until I cried.
Abby doesn’t find it all that funny.
This got me thinking about all the Frustration Phrases that have either come out of my mouth, or the mouths of my friends, with respect to their dogs over the years.
Why just last weekend, after the agility trial, I posted on Facebook something to the effect of how proud I was of Tweed, and that I’d left Piper in the dumpster behind the gas station on my way home. Which was indeed something I had threatened her with when we left the trial site.
She’s just kidding. Right? *goes off to find Piper*
In agility class, Tweed expresses his enthusiasm by talking about how happy he is. Loudly, rhythmically and eternally. It’s this great, booming, metronomic ARF ARF ARF ARF – you could play an entire symphony on the piano to this noise. He does it while other dogs are running, and it increases in frequency when he thinks it’s his turn: WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOFWOOF. It. Drives me. INSANE.
Our class often runs late, and generally our last exercise is a timed run-off where we all try to run clean and beat everyone else. The next class is frequently coming in to set up while we are finishing up the Competition Run – and since I have two dogs who run 16″ Specials, Piper is often near the beginning, and Tweed somewhere near the end, so they catch Tweed’s run mostly. I don’t know all the people in the next class, just a few of them.
Recently one friend in the late class told me that I scared the bejesus out of some of his classmates by hollering at Tweed “I will reach down your throat and remove your bark box with my fingers if you don’t shut up!!”
You’d have to catch me like a tennis ball first!
(don’t tell anyone we were playing Dumball, okay? Shhh.)
Food Lady let us play Dumball! Food Lady let us play Dumball!!
Dexter, I will shake you until your testicles drop.
(Hmm. Not a bad idea, actually.)
My friend Finn, whom I’ve blogged about before, is like the tattooed patron saint of needy animals. She’s worked in animal welfare her whole life. She travels the world lending a hand to animals in crisis; she was in New Orleans post-Hurricane Katrina, she is regularly at New Hope’s Casa Lupita in Nicaragua. Now she is heading off to Haiti in the aftermath of the horrible earthquakes that have devastated the Haitians. In other words, there is nobody more invested in the well being of the world’s critters than Saint Finn.
And yet, Finn has been heard to tell her dogs that she will beat them repeatedly with a 2X4 before sending them back to the Pound. Loudly.
I think people need to have more of a sense of humour when it comes to their dogs sometimes. We get so caught up in being politically correct about how we train, how patient and tolerant we can be … we forget sometimes that dogs can be really freakin’ frustrating, and that it’s okay to get irritated, and that without a healthy sense of humour about it, we might go insane. As long as you channel your frustration into funny … that way, you’re a lot less likely to *actually* take it out on your dog.
Last night Dexter ate my headphones for Skype. Whilst sitting on my toes, I might add, innocent as a Spring blossom, the little turd monkey. I *may* have told him he was getting the leftovers for breakfast, and that there would be no more real food coming his way, ever.
I don’t know about you, Mr. Husky, but I think TFL just likes to hear the sound of her own voice. I don’t like it much, and that’s why I ignore her. What say we take her out?
Plus I think they learn something from it.
Last night in agility class, Piper nailed her weave entries every.single.run. That’s never happened in the history of Piper. (Piper: “The dog full of GO, but empty of KNOW” ~ courtesy of Christine. hee hee!!) I like to believe the dumpster threat is responsible for this magical turn of events.
So what’s your dirty little secret? What threats do you utter at your recalcitrant canines? Don’t be ashamed – I won’t judge you! After all, my K9 Mantra is:
More Beatings. Less Love.
Oh shut up already. And here’s your stupid frisbee.
Suzanne says
When the sound of aluminum foil turns my girl bc into a screaming hyena I tell her "I swear I'm going to chop off your head."
During other moments of completely unprovoked bark screaming madness (and there are plenty of them) I threaten to toss her in a pot and cook her into stew.
Ann says
I'm going to send you back to Butthead-istan and teach the CAT how to do musical freestyle.
Life in vet school says
I tell my bad little dog that
1) we're going to roast her for dinner.
2) we're going to sell her to the gypsies, except that they probably won't want her so we'll have to pay them to take her away. And then they'll dress her in one of those frilly jester collars and make her dance for them, and if she won't then they won't feed her.
(it's kind of long. But she actually sits there and looks at me quizzically while I'm telling her all that).
Life in vet school says
Once, when I was convinced she'd figured out I was totally bluffing, I opened the oven door and picked her up and carried her over to it to try to put her inside (it was OFF! And I wasn't REALLY going to put her inside!). She got scared, and I felt so bad that I spent the next five minutes apologizing and telling her what a good dog she is. Which she's NOT.
Total threat fail.
Anonymous says
Upon watching my border collie Seamus completely ignore me calling him and jump into a very fast running river to likely rescue a rock from the bottom, I yelled "Oh my god, Seamus, get out of there, you f%$*wad!" I instantly looked around to make sure no one heard me! He luckily survived a very cold dip in the rushing water, popping up with a rock, just as he planned.
tualizzy says
Ha ha! You all crack me up!
Happy to hear I'm not the only one who uses Cesar Milan as a threat.
Jean says
My threats are pretty non-violent – usually something like "If you don't get over here right this minute, there'll be NO TREATS for a week!". Unfortunately, what they hear is "blah blah blah blah TREATS blah blah blah"!
Hmmm… on the other hand, it gets the job done – they come running thinking I am going to give them a treat!
Lacey says
I threaten to get the baseball bat. Or I tell her to go play in the middle of Bay Rd.
Julie B says
I never comment, but this is good. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
The frequent threats around here are:
1. You're going to the glue factory
2. I'm taking you to the reserve to trade you in for a dog who will appreciate me
3. You make a terrible border collie
Dog Nerd says
LOL, no tualizzy, you're not the only one…A common phrase in my house is "I'm gonna get all 'calm and assertive' on yo ass!"
Or, "That's IT! It's alpha role time!"
Darlene says
I have often threatened my animals:
my cats with cat stew, roast cat, and selling them to a local ethnic buffet where the chunky one would be worth a fortune.
But then came a sad moment when a cat had to be put down, and we came back to the house with red weeping eyes and the empty cat carrier, and the dogs were all sitting there, staring.
And I said "THAT'S what happens to animals who don't listen. I did it once, I'll do it again…"
Flo says
Duncan, who is a mutt from a shelter that is now my full time service dog, still manages to be so willfully disobedient (not intelligent disobedience where he hauls my oblivious ass out of traffic, the "in a minit! in a minit! I smell something!" flips me the paw and keeps on going sort of disobedience- usually in front of a judge) that I have been known to threaten him with "I will find a pair of balls, stitch them back on and then kick them up between your EYEBALLS!!"
Star, who is my mom's intact butthead, regularly gets threatened with having his balls lopped off and stuffed up his nose so he'll have a brain in his head, or, if he won't shut up, that she'll stick his nose up his own asshole so he can find his brain in his rectum.
I never thought this was odd, but then, one of our close friends has a dog who will only "get in the damn truck" but will not "get in the truck".
MahnaMahna says
We often tell Girl Friday that we will rip off her tail and beat her with it if she doesn't shut up… but she just doesn't seem to care!
Ariana Jo says
Common threats around here:
1)To my dingo-esque wild dog that loves nothing more than to prowl around the woods on long hikes and patrol his yard: "If you don't 'insert action wanted here' I'm going to give you to a soccer family in Cary with a minivan and rotten kids who live in a house with no yard!" Cary being the yuppiest of the yuppy havens in our area.
2) To my dedicated door dasher of a cat who runs out all the freakin' time: "I'm going to make a hat out of you, a nice coon skin cap Daniel Boone style bitch, because you have that nice fluffy tail." This is usually muttered as I trample through the underbrush in my work clothes in the morning.
3)To our other cat: "Aww, you're the dumbest cat ever, but at least you're cute." Truly the dumbest cat ever she has pooped in her own food bowl, she chews on the fake fireplace logs, and has gotten trapped in a paper bag.
Cait says
1. "I'm going to sell you to the Korean restaurant that the health department keeps raiding!"
2. SLIPPERS. Needs no elaboration. (Or, in the case of the collie, BATHMAT.)
Anonymous says
I don't have anything witty to say to the mutts, I just swear!
I love your blog, so I hope the donation reaches you okay.
Shasta says
My usual threat is something like "I will take your ass down to Chinatown," or "if you mark the chair ONE MORE TIME, I will cut your weiner off."
Susan says
I threaten the cat with making her into soup the next time she messes with the blinds. I think she realizes that it is an empty threat:)
Momto3BlackLabs says
The most common threat around here is, "I'm gonna beat the black off of you!" (We have 3 black labs)
Otherwise, we mostly get out our frustration with them through name calling…some of our favorites are whore, bitch, nutjob, punk and psycho. Side note: Before I was a dog owner, I used to be APPALLED when my sister called her dog a whore. Now that is probably the most-used name around here. haha
TheRedQueen says
I often threaten to toss Inara out of the window of the moving car…and I tell her that I'd have no regrets.
I also like the 2X4 comment, and often tell my guys that they're gonna get beat upside the head with one.
And of course…"I'm going to beat you all senseless!"
I tell my friends that this is why I'm a positive reinforcement trainer…otherwise I'd follow through with my threats.
Tristan and Braun says
"BACK TO THE KENNEL!!!" and he'll stick as close to me as possible for the rest of the walk – maybe that will stop Mr Woo from disappearing half the time :)
Ninso says
Hehe!
I have a three-legged cattle dog mix. Shortly after I got him I was out doing yard work and the dogs were hanging out with me. Elo would NOT stop barking–at cars, people, noises, planes flying over the yard, birds, everything. I happened to have a saw in my hand. He looked up at me and I told him ever so sweetly, "yes, this is what we're going to use to cut your OTHER leg off!!!"
I'm a big fan of channeling frustration into ridiculous threats!
Ruth Hansell says
Most commonly heard threat at my house: "I'm going to take you to a very public place and beat you, then bring you home and beat you again." When I'm angry at both of them, "Sam, I'm going to beat you first, and then you, Shonie, and then I'm going to beat Sam again."
Said fairly often to Shoshone, "Cute won't save you now"
General all around threat, when I've had Just Too Much, "I'm going to sell you all for purposes of scientific experiment, and buy a picture of a fish."
DH's favorite: "You're going back to the pound and we'll get a REAL dog with a work ethic."
Very creative threats, here, thanks for the great laughs. And Sheena, thanks for keeping on.
Ruth
Ktbug Ladydid says
I channel the "soup nazi" from Seinfeld, saying, "no food for you!". Of course, I inevitably give in, because she gives me the death-stare-of-cuteness, and I melt. I'll probably have more original sayings when we try out agility this summer.
CarolG. says
I've been know to threaten to rip intestines out through the nostrils. I also tell them to make the life affirming choice. What is wild though is all the cats, the dog, and my (17 year old)son know to stop all the nonsense if I start counting. It has never been established what I would do but they get the message.
Leslie Hawes says
Soup.
Dog soup.
Shey says
I think I'm gonna have to borrow some of these threats. Heh. I use mostly one of three threats:
1. I'm going to leash you to the faucet in the bathtub and leave you there all day.
2. Don't make me get a new dog.
3. I'm going to let the cats ninja your face into next Friday.
insanedogowner says
Threats to the horse. I call him:
1. Alpo
2. Elmer
Threats to the barking Aussies:
1. I am gonna rip your f'ing head off.
2. Yes, Gale the neighbors all know you are home. Now we are going to have to go to the pound because I am over the legal limit.
3. You want to die young don't you?
4. You're killing me and then you will be homeless.
General:
1. You have GOT to be kidding me.
2. . NOW.
3. For fuck's sake. (<y personal favorite. Covers so much.)
4. And they say border collies are SMART?
Hunde Haus says
insane dog owner has mine down pat.
Oh fer f*** sakes!
I also ask my blind 8 month old GSD a million times a day "are you f***ing crazy?
He's bonked his head so many times he may well be.
He also hears quite often "stop poking the bear!!" when he is bugging on my 10 year old male grump.
Finn says
You missed some of our greater hits.
¨I will beat you until you bleed from the eyes¨.
¨Who want some blue sweet baby jesus juice?¨ (anyone who has ever worked in a shelter just went oh-my-god-no-she-does-not-say-that. Or they´re so screwed up they´re going to use it.
Thibadeux, the brain damaged Katrina pit bull, gets told her ass will get shipped back to Louisiana and we will find her a nice pickup to chain her to while she waits for the levies to go again.
Also whenever you ask my ex what he did today he always starts with ´well first I beat Thibadeux with a baseball bat/vacuum cleaner/mallet.´ It´s a running joke but sometimes he forgets and says to someone who doesn´t get it.
´Who wants to wind up in a dumpster?´
´Don´t make me get the board with the nails in it´.
You just finish telling everyone what a saint I am and I cop to this. Oy.
Thank you!
Fi says
I threatened to flush Caliber down the toilet…..
Performance Canine/HDR says
I'm sure my neighbours could tell you a thing or two! Mostly my dogs hear me screaming…"BLUE NEEDLE! Do you hear me? Blue needle is what you are going to get you ungrateful little shits!"
Anonymous says
I tell my BC's that I'm going to beat the black off them. They pretty much ignore my threats!
Wallflower says
Well, hubby is frequently heard to say (to either dog) "I will kick you where your balls used to be"; for Dozer, it's "Get the F**k off me you horse, I should sell you for glue". We have also used the "kick you in the but so hard you will have your ass for a hat" one.
Also, this works well for dogs and boys (just sub. 'arm' for 'leg'): "I will tear your leg off and beat you with it!"
Probably good that we don't have any close neighbors…..!
Stephanie says
We threaten to put our cat in the microwave. I don't even think he knows what it is but it shuts him up :)
For the dogs there's too many lol. Though I affectionately call my GSD/Collie mix "A little b!tch"
Anonymous says
OMG I love it. Good to know i'm not alone.
I have 2 dogs who are v. v. different. One is more sensitive than the other.
The less sensitive I threaten to sell. Which is the only thing that works.
I've been threatening to tie my other dog to the top of the car for the long drive home for about a year. :) For little things i can usually leave it at: F*'in quit it. Nobody likes that dog.
Sabrina says
I'm pretty boring with the old, "its a good thing you're cute or else I would have killed you by now". And although I have a lab and a pug, I will sometimes sing to them "But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best!" a la Mr. Burns. Maybe they would take my threat more seriously if they were actually greyhounds…
Wendy says
How about comments to my horse? I've threatened to sell him for glue on more than one occasion!
nickelsmum says
When Mellie is barkscreaming at me while we're trying to practice flyball with some other dog: "Nobody likes you!" Sadly, my 12 year old teammate has picked this up. I'm such a bad influence.
This doesn't look as bad in print as it sounds in voice.
afinstrom says
'Ello 'ello. I just found you blog. I just fiished reading every post and a couple of comments, going back to the one about the owl in the pine after you first moved.
Boy, you landed in my version of heaven! I can, after all, buy a espresso maker. What part of the country do you live in? I hail from Minnesota, in the heart of the Metro. And am planning my eventual escape to the stix even now…
Mar says
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I almost feel normal again.
Danielle says
nothing as creative as yours and other commenters', but I frequently tell my kids that their mothers were mongrels. Nope, doesn't do any good either.
Abigail says
I had to come back and update with the words that jumped out of my mouth this morning.
“One day you’re going to get bitten and I’m going to LAUGH!”
Jackie says
1) My dog park friend says, “I am going to beat you with an extension cord.” When people who over hear and get offended he adds, “I let her pick which color.”
2) Our one dog does not listen well. So, when my husband gets frustrated with her he opens her mouth and shouts the command directly into her mouth, as if it will have a more direct route to her brain. When he is done, she just looks confused. This method at least pauses the undesirable behavior for a while.
3) Many times my threats start the same way, “I swear to God if you don’t stop (insert annoying behavior) I’m going to (insert idle threat).
Lisa says
“Mommy will beat you” is my preferred threat. My dogs don’t seem to take it seriously but it makes me feel better.
Weasel Puppy says
LOL, I just saw this and thought I would add my idle threat. One of my dogs is afraid of the Goodyear Blimp. Well, he’s afraid of all blimps, balloons and looming airborne things. Maybe he is the reincarnation of an Hindenberg victim? Anyway, I frequently threaten to take him to the International Hot Air Balloon Festival.
Emma says
I currently have a teeny tiny Min Pin foster dog who absolutely refuses believe that I can sleep in my own bed without him there right beside me. So my new favorite threat for him when he’s whining at 5 AM is “I’m going to shake you like a baby.”
Monica says
My dog’s name is Soba, like the Japanese noodles. (Trust me, it made sense for about 3 days when I first got him, active as a wet noodle, and not one bit since then.) And since “yaki” simply means cooked or fried, we often threaten him with us having yakiSoba for dinner. It’s become a family joke.
Once at the bank, I was dealing with the teller while my daughter asked if we could have Soba for dinner. I laughed and said yes, and the teller innocently asked, “Oh, what is that?”
My daughter quickly and helpfully answered, “It’s our dog!”
The teller, flustered, said, “Oh! Oh. . . oh my.”
And I only made it worse by hissing at her, “SHH! We don’t tell people that!”
Morgan says
“Oh, for f*ck’s sake!” is always a standard I keep handy. But when my retired racing greyhound (and her big racing bootie) is tap-dancing on my last sliver of patience, I calmly tell her:
“Please try to remember that your ass could feed a family of four. For days!”
Not that it works or anything…..
Danna says
I’ve threaten my two kids (mini-schnauzer and rottweiler, both a year old) with cooking them for breakfast, publicly, if they do not stop waking me up at 5am every day.